Just a Joke
by Bow to me Fools BOW I SAY
Summary: Jack's sister, who just happens to be an all-powerful being, ropes him into playing a massive joke on London by becoming our favorite homicidal barber. Mishaps, mayhem, a little bit of love and tight gold pants are sure to ensue.JackxLovett
1. Prolauge

**A/N: Hi peoples! This is my first fanfic. Huzzah! On with the disclaimer and then the show.**

**Disclaimer: Own PotC and Sweeney Todd, I do not. Own Yoda, I do not. But speak like him, I do. **

* * *

_"Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke."_

_-Herman Hesse_

* * *

**Just a Joke**

Eight-year-old Jack Teague was running. Not exactly fast, but still running. He looked back and laughed. She'd never catch him, not in a million years.

When he looked forward again he ran straight into something. When Jack's head stopped spinning he noticed that the "something" was on top of him, smiling a cute little four-year-old smile and shaking her blond head.

"Jack, when will you learn that I always catch you?" she said and Jack laughed. He tried to get up but she kept an iron grip on his forearms.

"Okay, sis, you win. Now get off of me!" he said. She giggled and released her brother. My brother.

My name is Elmarine, and I'm the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow's "baby" (as he likes to say) sister.

"Y'know, you've got quite the grip… for a baby girl." I tackled him again.

"Haven't I already told you? I've lived for eons! I'm a being! I was only born into your little family because I got bored. I'M NOT A BABY!" I yelled at him. He just smiled coolly.

"Fine, fine, your all-powerfullness." he said. I just rolled my eyes and got off of him. He got up and dusted himself off. Then I jumped onto his back.

"Give me a ride home." I said.

"I thought you were all powerful. Can't you just float home?" Jack said jokingly.

"But my wings and legs are tired." I fake-whined. Then he laughed and we went home.

Those were the good old days, back when we were really a family. Sure, Dad was off at sea a lot, but me and Jack had each other. And Mom. I may have been alive since before the beginning of time, but I really loved that family.

The day things started to go wrong was when Mom got sick. I was eight and had a strict policy of not meddling with natual human things. Jack was 12 and didn't really understand.

"C'mon, Elm! Just use your powers and you could help her." Jack said. He was trying to fight back tears. He knew as well as I did that she was going to die.

"I can't, Jack. I just can't" I said. I was pretty down, too. Then Dad came out of the house, crying softly. We knew that something was wrong, because Dad never cried. He pulled us into a bear-hug and informed us that Mom was dead.

I was actually crying and so was Jack but somehow he managed to pull away. He gave me an accusing glance before storming off. I tried to follow him but Dad stopped me.

"Sweetheart, Jackie needs some time to himself." he said through tears. I just hugged him harder, and thought that it may have been better if I had not told Jack.

A year later I caught him stuffing his things into a bag.

"Where are you going, Jack?" I asked him. For a second I thought her wouldn't answer me. I mean, he had been pointedly ignoring me for the past year. But, low and behold, I was wrong.

"I'm going very far away," he said, "I've had enough of it here."

"But I'll miss you." I said. He suddenly ran over to me and hugged my tight. I suddenly realized how true that was, how close we were. Jack was the only one I trused with my secret, and now he was going. It gets lonely, being the only one of your kind. Even if you do make human friends, their life-spans are so short that they're gone in a instant.

"I'll miss you, too." he said, and with that was gone.

I've missed him over the years. I've watched over his doings, and I must say that I'm impressed with him coming back from the dead. I've also gotten him out of a few sticky situations, even though he may not know it. Hey, his luck has to come from somewhere! When he found the fountain of youth (he got his ship back and most of the crewmembers became immortal, too) I was so excited. I had a feeling he wouldn't be like all the others. As he always says:

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."


	2. 1 An Idea

**A/N: Chapter One is complete! Party time! Celebrate!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Elmarine. Now if only she would zap me to Johnny Depp's house... **

**An Idea**

Captain Jack Sparrow was happy. He had his ship, his hat, a bottle of rum, and an eternity to enjoy it all. Yes, life was good, and had been good for 100 years. He started humming the tune to an old pirate song he had learned.

As he looked out to the horizon, and noticed something. He took out his spyglass and what he saw made him look at his bottle of rum accusingly.

Mr. Gibbs was so conveniently walking by, so Jack grabbed him, thrust the spyglass into his hand, and pointed.

"Mr. Gibbs," he said, "do you see a girl floating in the middle of the ocean with a sign that says 'I have an idea'?" Gibbs put the spyglass down.

"Aye, sir, I do." He answered. Jack smiled.

"Oh, good!" he said, "Take the wheel." And with that he left a very confused and surprised Mr. Gibbs to steer the ship.

Jack went down the stairs that lead to the helm and looked over the side of the ship. Yep, she was there all right.

"You, sir!" he called to a random sailor, "Pull that woman aboard!" The sailor looked over the ship's railing, gave a little salute to the captain, and proceeded to get a rope.

As she was pulled onboard, Jack could hear faint cries of "I have and idea! I have an idea!" But before Jack could see who it was, he was tackled.

When his head stopped spinning he saw me, his little sister, sitting on top of him yet again. We smiled at each other for a minute as if to say "good to see you again," and then Jack noticed that the crew was staring at us.

"Back to work ye dogs!" he shouted at them. They immediately returned to their stations. Then he turned his head to me and smiled.

"So," he said, "you have and idea?" I got all giggly.

"How did you know?" I said. Jack just rolled his eyes. I got off of him and pulled him up. He looked at me expectantly. After about a minute he sighed.

"Any chance you are going to tell me about said idea?" he said.

"Oh," I said, "well, I was going to tell you, but then I kinda… sorta… forgot." I laughed nervously. Jack sighed again.

"Let me get this clear, you came all the way out here (I'm not complaining, it's good to see you) to tell me an idea that you forgot about." He said.

"Ya, but don't worry, I'll remember eventually." I said with a big grin. Jack just laughed.

"Alright, luv, let me show you around me ship, the magnificent Black Pearl!" he said. He was beaming with pride as he showed me everything from the brig to the helm.

He shooed Gibbs off the wheel and took his place. He looked like a true pirate captain.

I ran my hands over the wood of the Pearl. There was definitely something conscience in there, a spirit of some kind.

"You have a real connection with this ship, don't you?" I asked. Jack just beamed. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I could hear them speaking.

"She definitely has a soul." I said, opening my eyes.

"Aye, that she does." he said, "I'm glad you understand that, sis."

For the next few days we enjoyed the wind, water, and each other's company. I woke up one morning and looked out of the window of the captain's cabin. I had been sleeping there on a hammock I had made out of thin air (the crew didn't know about it). It was a bright, sunny morning and that got me thinking of how different the weather was from London's. Then my idea finally came flooding back to me.

I sprinted out of the cabin and up to the helm, where Jack was every morning. I was running so fast that I slipped on some water on the deck and ran strait into Jack. Damn these human legs! I will never get used to them. I prefer floating. I pulled Jack to his feet.

"I am so, so, _so_ sorry Jack!" I said, "It's just that I remembered my idea and I didn't want to forget it so I started running and…" Jack put his hand over my mouth.

"Alright, luv, I get it. Now tell me what this idea of yours is before you forget again." He said. I smiled and began to explain.

"Well, my brother, I thought that since we have an eternity, we might as well have some fun. I plan on playing a joke on the good old town of London. A joke in which we would fool people into thinking we aren't who we really are. Savvy?" I said.

"Aye," Jack said, "I'm listenin' and I'm willin' to play along." I smiled evilly.

"Let's start with Part 1, shall we? You and I go into London pretending to be a married couple. You get a job as a barber and then we play it by ear until you get captured and sent away by the police. An easily escapable situation for an individual such as yourself, might I add. We wait 15 years until Part 2, and that's when the fun really begins!" I waited for Jack to react.

"You've really planned this out, haven't you?" I smiled. "Well, I'm likin' Part 1, but what happens in Part 2?" he asked. I smiled evilly again.

"We'll get to Part 2 when we get to Part 2." I said.

"You might be my sister after all." He said, "Let us begin preparations for Part 1, shall we?" It was Jack's turn to smile evilly.

"Now you're talkin'!"

**A/N: Reveiw and you will be invited to my Chapter One Party! Homemade poundcake for everyone! **


	3. 2 Part 1

**A/N: I really don't have anything to say, so HI PEOPLES WHO I'VE NEVER MET! **

**Disclaimer: I'll own Sweeney Todd and PotC when pigs can fly so hurry up with that genetically altering formula!**

**Part 1**

Jack and I arrived in London looking much different than we had before. I was wearing a dress (which doesn't happen often) and had long hair. Jack, well, somehow I convinced him to cut his hair to shoulder length and take all of the bits and bobs out and take a bath. See how persuasive I am! By the end he actually looked respectable.

"So where are we going again?" he asked. He was still a bit upset about having to look respectable.

"It's just down this way." I said, "It's a pie shop in Fleet Street." He grinned half-heartedly and we kept walking.

We turned a corner and finally came to Fleet Street. There was a sign above one of the shops that said "Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies" and a smaller one in the window that said "room for sale".

Jack and I walked into the shop. There was a woman at a table chopping up God knows what. I went up to her.

"Are you Mrs. Lovett?" I asked. She looked up from her chopping.

"Yes," she said, "and who might you be?" She looked me up and down, then her eyes strayed to Jack, who was staring at a bottle of liquor on the other side of the room. She got the look in her eyes that most women get when they see my brother (not the ones who are about to slap him). Apparently, not even a married woman can't resist Captain Jack Sparrow's charm. I made a little coughing noise and she turned to me.

"I am Lucy Barker and this is my husband, Benjamin." I said and shook her hand. Jack stayed blank, so I discreetly nudged him with my toe. Human legs can come in handy sometimes.

"Pleasure, ma'am." he said, bowing slightly and kissing her hand. She giggled, and I rolled my eyes.

"We're here to buy the room above." I said, pointing up.

"Well, that's just splendid!" she said, clearly excited that we (namely Jack) were going to live with her, "Come with me, I'll get you settled." She began to walk towards the stairs when someone, somewhere yelled.

"Nellie! Get your ass over here and get me something to eat!" the voice shouted. Without asking I knew who it was. Hey, I am all-powerful.

"Albert, dear, we have company." She said sweetly. I could tell that the sweet voice and the smile were fake.

"I don't fucking care! I'm starving, woman!" Albert said. She put on another fake smile, told us to go make ourselves at home, took a deep breath, and left the room with some food to bring to her rotting husband.

Jack and I went upstairs. He looked at me expectantly.

"You'll find out who he was eventually." I said. Jack sulked for a few seconds.

"Can I at least have a bottle of rum?" he asked. I smiled.

"Sure." I said. I snapped my fingers and a bottle of rum appeared out of thin air. He took a swig and offered me some. I declined and started downstairs.

"Where ya goin'?" he asked.

"To get to know Mrs. Lovett." I answered, "You wanna come?" Jack laughed and continued drinking. I just sighed, because I knew the answer was no.

I went downstairs to find Mrs. Lovett muttering angrily and pounding a piece of dough into a pulp.

"Hi." I said. She looked up from her pounding and got a bit red.

"Sorry," she said, "didn't see you come in."

"No, no, I'm sorry. That's a bit of a bad habit of mine." I said. She looked up to the ceiling.

"So, what's Mr. Barker doing up there?" she asked.

"Getting ready to open up shop. He's a barber, and a bloody good one, might I add." I said.

"Well that's wonderful. But I did notice that there's nothing in there and you didn't have any luggage." She said. Damn! This woman was smart.

"Oh, we are still waiting on the carriage that we put our luggage in." I said sweetly.

"You can never get good 'elp these days." she said and shook her head, "I once 'ired a lad to go buy me something from across the street. He came runnin' by and hour later with some men chasin' 'im and yellin' 'bout gamblin'." We both laughed. I could tell that I was going to like Mrs. Lovett.

After about an hour of bonding, I took my leave and went upstairs. What I found wasn't surprising. It was Jack, out cold on the floor. I shook my head.

"Jack, Jack, what am I going to do with you?" I asked myself. I put on a shawl and headed out to think of somewhere I could poof up a carriage full of luggage.

I was walking along some random street when a woman who looked really bad came up to me. She had a baby in her arms.

"Please help me." She said, "I am alone on the streets. I cannot provide for my baby." I pitied the woman and gave her some money.

"Thank you, oh thank you." She cried, "But that was not the favor I was going to ask of you, kind woman. Please…" and she held out her baby to me. I knew the favor she was asking. Part 2 of my plan came to mind, and I knew the baby would be useful. I took the child into my arms.

"Her name is Johanna." She said through tears. It must hurt for her to give up her child. I smiled and pulled her into a hug. I sat down on a bench and tried to calm her down. I promised that I would take care of her daughter and if I saw her I would tell her how Johanna was doing.

She finally calmed down and asked if there was anything she could do for me. I thought for a minute and decided I had nothing to lose.

"Do you know a place where no one goes and no one can see what happens inside?" I asked. She smiled and told me to come with her.

The carriage I had finally been able to make stopped at Fleet Street the next morning.

I walked into the new barbershop with the baby and found Jack with a bottle of rum looking worried. He saw me and jumped up.

"Where've you been? I've been worried about you." He said. I just smiled.

"Jack, you should know better than to worry about me." I said. He noticed Johanna.

"What is that?" he asked, pointing to the baby.

"A baby." I said, "If anyone (namely Mrs. Lovett) asks, tell them that she was with my sister when we came here." Jack looked surprised.

"We're keeping it?" he asked.

" 'It' has a name and it's Johanna, and yes, we're keeping her." I told him in a tone that said "deal with it". He looked at me, defeated.

"Now go start unpacking that carriage down there." I said, taking the bottle out of his hand. He walked away, mumbling something about "why did I agree to this". I laughed and started to play with the baby.

Over the next few weeks Jack started to grow pretty attached to the baby and Mrs. Lovett grew to like him more and more. One afternoon I was having tea with Mrs. Lovett and Jack was in the corner, playing with little Johanna.

"Don't you dare tell anyone about this." He had told me earlier, when I caught him rocking her to sleep.

We were laughing about something when we heard a thump from another room. Mrs. Lovett and I went in there immediately, but Jack stayed behind.

"No one's coming for you." I said, and pulled him into the room. What we found wasn't pretty. It was Albert, lying lifeless on the floor. Mrs. Lovett screamed. Jack put Johanna into my arms and went to take the man's pulse.

"He's dead." he said. Mrs. Lovett started sobbing. I gave Johanna back to Jack and pulled the woman into a hug. I could tell they were fake tears, and I could smell the poison from the glass that was spilled all over the floor. I never said anything about it because I knew what a horrible husband he was.

For a long time after that things where pretty quiet and Jack was getting restless. I decided it was time for Part 1 to end.

I took him and Johanna to a flower shop. I took her out of her buggy and glanced around the shop. There he was. Hiding behind a flower pot was Judge Turpin. Jack caught me looking and smiled. I let out a small nervous laugh because I hadn't told him today was the day.

Then they came. They hit him in the head with a club (luckily, he had a pretty thick skull from being whacked in the head too many times) and dragged him away. Personally, I think we made it look pretty good. Turpin came over to me and told me about the terrible thing Benjamin Barker had done. I just pretended to listen and got back to Fleet Street as quick as I could.

I went into the shop fake crying.

"Lucy, what's wrong?" Mrs. Lovett asked. I just went up to her and she hugged me.

"It's Ben." I choked, "They took him, they took him for something I know he didn't do."

"There, there." She said, "We'll get 'im back, don't you worry 'bout it."

Luckily, everything went according to plan and we didn't get him back. He was sent away to Australia, but he easily escaped the ship.

"This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!" he said and jumped off the ship. The Pearl was waiting for him behind a big rock and he swam to it. The sailors on the ship had heard of the Black Pearl and wouldn't dare mess with her or her captain, so they sailed away in fright.

Now he had 15 years to build curiosity about Part 2.


	4. 3 Puke Pies and Memories

**A/N: Sorry I haven't posted in a while peoples! I just got back from Wisconsin and my brother wouldn't get off of the computer. So I now give to you my longest chapter so far! Please review and tell me what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Sweeney and Pirates, you wish you owned Sweeney and Pirates, he, she, it wishes they owned Sweeney and Pirates. **

**Puke Pies and Memories **

For the next few years Jack and I went our separate ways. Jack went off to raid, pillage, and plunder his weasely black guts out. I floated up to the little cloud I kept in the sky and played dollhouse with the world. For those of you who live in Wisconsin, Lake Delton was an accident, I swear! I tripped and spilled my water bottle!

I went to Jack for Part 2 the same way I went to him for Part 1; by jumping into the middle of the Caribbean and having him pick me up on his ship.

"It's been 15 years already?" he asked once I got aboard. I smiled and nodded.

"Time flies when you're immortal."

"It sure does." The rest of the crew seemed to agree, but looked confused on the significance of 15 years.

"Let's talk." I said to Jack, and steered him towards the captain's cabin. There I explained to him Part 2, which is the part you all know (or think you know)

"So I'm going to have to kill a bunch of random people?" he asked me.

"Well, sort of," I said, "but what's funny about it is that they wake up in their beds in the morning with a bad dream and a pain in the neck." Jack smiled and laughed.

"I guess that is pretty funny."

"Great, now we've got to get you ready."

"But my hair just grew back!" He clutched on to his hair. I sighed.

"I'll do some instant grow back spell this time, OK?" I said to him.

"OK." He said and I got to work.

When I was finished, Sweeney Todd stood before me.

"Great! Now you've got to smile less and/or not at all, and remember the story. I'll stick with you the whole time. Got it?" He confirmed that he did.

We snuck off the ship while most of the crew where asleep. Jack left specific instructions for them to sail the ship to Plymouth under the name of The Bountiful, pick up some crew members, and then sail to London. Then there was the side note of "pretend to be respectable sailors until I get back".

We waited it out in various places. I'm not going to tell you where because there's a ginormous list. When they were almost to London, Jack got into the middle of the ocean and acted like someone who was just in a shipwreck. A boy named Anthony spotted him and got the rest of the crew to pull him aboard. Luckily, they didn't recognize their captain.

I became invisible to everybody but Jack and told him things to do. One of them was to get to know Anthony.

"I hope you can sing." I whispered to him and patted him on the shoulder when we finally came to London.

"What?!" He whispered back, but then Anthony started to sing.

_"I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders  
From the Dardanelles __  
To the Mountains of Peru,  
But there's No Place Like London-!"_

I nudged Jack forward.

"_No, there's no place like London."_

Jack seemed a bit surprised that he was singing.

"Mr. Todd...?" Anthony asked. I made the little "go on" motion to Jack, and he kept singing.

"_You are young.  
Life has been kind to you.  
You will learn."_

Jack walked to the front of his ship. He was starting to get into it now.

_"There's a hole in the world_

_Like a great black pit_

_And the vermin of the world_

_Inhabit it_

_And its morals aren't worth_

_What a pig could spit_

_And it goes by the name of London._

_At the top of the hole_

_Sit the privileged few,_

_Making mock of the vermin_

_In the lower zoo,_

_Turning beauty into filth and greed._

_I too_

_Have sailed the world and seen its wonders,_

_For the cruelty of men_

_Is as wondrous as Peru,_

_But there's no place like London!"_

I was impressed. That was a pretty good description, and I didn't know he could sing. When they were getting off, I went up to Jack.

"Story time!" I said. But Jack waited for Anthony to talk to him.

"Is everything all right, Mr. Todd?" he asked. Jack was starting to get dramatic with this thing, which is exactly what I wanted.

"I beg your indulgence, Anthony. My mind is far from easy. In these once familiar streets I feel shadows, everywhere."

"Shadows?"

"Bit thick, huh?" I said to Jack. He laughed inwardly.

"Ghosts." He said, and then started to sing the story.

"_There was a barber and his wife,  
and she was beautiful."_

"Aw, that's sweet, Jack." I joked with him.

_"A foolish barber and his wife.  
She was his reason and his life,  
And she was beautiful.  
And she was virtuous.  
And he was—  
Naive.  
There was another man who saw  
That she was beautiful,  
A pious vulture of the law,  
Who with a gesture of his claw  
Removed the barber from his plate.  
Th en there was nothing but to wait  
And she would fall,  
So soft ,  
So young,  
So lost,  
And oh, so beautiful!"_

"Nicely done." I said, patting him on the shoulder. Anthony wasn't satisfied.

"And the lady, sir, did she succumb?" he asked. Jack just played along with it.

"_Oh, that was many years ago...  
I doubt if anyone would know."_

"Now thank him." I said to Jack. I was determined to make him say thank you. He sighed but in his head called me a "bloody wench".

"I'd like to thank you, Anthony. If you hadn't spotted me, I would be lost on the ocean still." He said, trying not to make eye contact with the kid.

"Will I see you again?" he asked.

"Yes, he will." I said to Jack. Meaning that he was a key part in our little joke.

"You might find me, if you like, around Fleet Street, I wouldn't wonder."

"Untill then, my friend." Anthony held out his hand. Jack didn't take it, and I couldn't blame him. See, the last time he shook someone's hand he was arrested for piracy. We just walked away.

"Sing something dark." I told him.

_"There's a hole in the world  
Like a great black pit  
And it's filled with people  
Who are filled with shit  
And the vermin of the world  
Inhabit it…"_

"And… he's out of earshot!"

"Finally! By the way, what did happen to you after I left?"

"I'll let Mrs. Lovett tell you that."

"She's still alive?"

"Hey, it hasn't been _that _long, Jack."

We walked and saw the beautiful sights that 18th century London had to offer. Finally, we got to Fleet Street and the pie shop. Jack walked into the shop, looked around, saw Mrs. Lovett chopping up God-knows-what, and tried to back out. Luckily, she spotted him.

"A customer!" she gasped and walked toward him.

_"Wait! What's yer rush?  
What's yer hurry?  
You gave me such a—  
Fright. I thought you was a ghost.  
Half a minute, can'tcher?  
Sit!  
Sit ye down!  
Sit!  
All I meant is that I  
Haven't seen a customer for weeks."_

She grabbed him, pulled him in, and sat him down. I laughed and sat down next to him. She couldn't see me, of course.

_"Did you come in for a pie, sir?  
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague—  
What is that?  
But you'd think we had the plague—  
From the way that people—  
Keep avoiding–  
No you don't!  
Heaven knows I try, sir!  
But there's no one comes in even to inhale—  
Right you are you are, sir. Would you like  
a drop of ale?  
Mind you, I can't hardly blame them—  
Th ese are probably the worst pies in London."_

I noticed that she had acquired quite the infestation while we were away and that her pies seemed more disgusting than before. Jack seemed to notice this as well, as he was fingering the pie she had put in front of him warily.

_"I know why nobody cares to take them—  
I _should_ know,  
I make them.  
But good? No,  
Th e worst pies in London—  
Even that's polite.  
Th e worst pies in London—  
If you doubt it, take a bite."_

Poor sucker had followed his usual routine: look at it, sniff it, taste it. I laughed and he spit a chunk of it in my face.

_"Is that just disgusting?  
You have to concede it.  
It's nothing but crusting—  
Here, drink this, you'll need it—  
Th e worst pies in London.  
And no wonder with the price of  
Meat what it is—  
When you get it.  
Never  
Th ough I'd live to see the day men'd  
think it was a treat  
Finding poor  
Animals  
Wot are dying in the street.  
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop,  
Does a business, but I notice something weird—  
Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared.  
Have to hand it to her—  
Wot I calls  
Enterprise,  
Popping pussies into pies."_

Jack put a finger up to ask if she had rum instead of ale, but I wacked him in the arm and he decided against it.

_"Wouldn't do in my shop—  
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick.  
And I'm telling you them pussy cats is quick.  
No denying times is hard, sir—  
Even harder than  
Th e worst pies in London.  
Only lard and nothing more—  
Is that just revolting?  
All greasy and gritty,  
It looks like it's molting,  
And tastes like—  
Well, pity  
A woman alone  
With limited wind  
And the worst pies in London!  
Ah sir,  
Times is hard. Times is hard."_

"Trust me, deary, it's gonna take a lot more than ale to wash that taste down." She said. In his head, I could tell that Jack was hoping she give him some rum.

"Come with me, I'll give you a nice tumbler of gin, eh?" Alas! Still no rum.

Jack followed her into the next room. I saw the stairs that went up to the barbershop, and walked up them. Jack watched me and I pointed up.

"Isn't this homey now. The cheery wallpaper was a real bargain. It was only partly singed when the chapel burnt down." She said while pouring him a glass of gin. She gave him the glass and told him to go sit down.

"You got a room over the shop, haven't you? If times are so hard, why don't you rent it out?" He sat down. I was already up in the barbershop; looking around and listening to their conversation.

"What, up there? No one won't go near it. People think it's haunted."

"Haunted?"

"Yeah. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years ago somethin' 'appened up there. Somethin' not very nice." Now it was singing story time! I made a mental note to tell Jack what really happened when he got up here. He worries about me sometimes.

"_There was a barber and his wife,  
And he was beautiful,  
A proper artist with a knife,  
But they transported him for life.  
And he was beautiful..."_

"Barker, 'is name was. Benjamin Barker."

"What was his crime?"

"Foolishness."

"And kidnapping, and raiding, and pilfering, and sailing under false colors, and…" I added the whole list. Mrs. Lovett just kept on telling her story.

"_He had this wife, you see,  
Pretty little thing.  
Silly little nit"_

"Hey! Bitch!" I swore at her from the room upstairs

"_Had 'er chance for the moon on a string-  
Poor thing. Poor thing.  
There was this Judge, you see.  
Wanted 'er like mad.  
Every day he'd send her a flower,  
But did she come down from her tower?  
Sat up there and sobbed by the hour,  
Poor fool."_

"Again with the insults! I thought we were friends!" I said. Then I put my ear to the floor and kept listening.

_"Ah, but there was worse yet to come—  
Poor thing.  
The Beadle calls on her, all polite,  
Poor thing, poor thing.  
Th e Judge, he tells her, is all contrite,  
He blames himself for her dreadful plight,  
She must come straight to his house tonight!  
Poor thing, poor thing._

_Of course, when she goes there,  
Poor thing, poor thing,  
Th ey're having this ball all in masks.  
Th ere's no one she knows there,  
Poor dear, poor thing.  
She wanders tormented, and drinks,  
Poor thing.  
Th e Judge has repented, she thinks,  
Poor thing.  
"Oh, where is Judge Turpin?" she asks.  
He was there, all right—  
Only not so contrite!  
She wasn't no match for such craft , you see,  
And everyone thought it so droll.  
Th ey fi gured she had to be daft , you see,  
So all of 'em stood there and laughed, you see.  
Poor soul!  
Poor thing!"_

"NO!" Jack yelled. I had to pull my head back and try to get the hearing back in my ear.

"Would no one have mercy on her?" I told you, he worries about me sometimes.

"So it is you. Benjamin Barker." Mrs. Lovett whispered.

"Well you finally caught on." I said.

"Where is Lucy? Where is my wife?" I inwardly thanked Jack for remembering the joke.

"She poisoned 'erself. Arsenic, from the apothecary round the corner. I tried to stop 'er, but she wouldn' listen to me. And 'e's got your daughter." She explained. Jack seemed to get a bit more worried.

"He? Judge Turpin?!" He said, probably for dramatic effect.

"Adopted 'er, like 'is own." I could tell she regretted not being able to keep Johanna out of Turpin's claws.

"Fifteen years, sweating in a living 'ell, on a false charge. Fifteen years spent dreaming I might come home to a wife and child."

"Or dreaming about rum and salty wenches." I said from upstairs.

"Well I can't say the years 'ave been particularly kind to you Mr. Barker."

"No! Not Barker. That man is dead. It's Todd now- Sweeney Todd- and he will have his revenge."

I had underestimated Jack's skill at what he called "bluffing", that last line even gave me the chills.


	5. 4 SweeneyRazors JohannaDumbass

**A/N: **www . youtube. com /watch?vHYokLWfqbaU **(type in without spaces) **

**Disclaimer: No matter how many times I threaten them with chainsaws, they just won't give me the rights to Sweeney Todd and PotC. **

**Sweeney, Meet Razors; Johanna, Meet Dumbass**

I heard Mrs. Lovett bringing Jack upstairs, so I hid. Not that I had to, I just wanted to. Mrs. Lovett walked right in, but Jack stopped in the doorway. Probably because he didn't see me and didn't want me to jump out and scare him half to death.

"Come in," Mrs. Lovett said, "nothing to be afraid of, luv."

"Shows what she knows." I said from behind Jack. In his mind he told me not to do that. I laughed. Jack just walked over to the crib and looked in. I'm not entirely sure why.

"Hey, Mrs. Lovett is doing something with the floor." I told him, pointing to the floorboard she was pulling up. He walked over to her to see what she was doing. What she pulled out was a box.

"When they came for the girl I hid 'em. Coulda sold 'em, but I didn't." Jack opened the box to reveal the razors that he had used during Part 1.

"Those 'andles is chased silver, ain't they?" she said in awe.

"Silver, yes."

"No, you're not gonna sell them." I said to him, because I knew what he was thinking, "Remember, you're supposed to be mentally unstable. Think of it this way; razors are to Sweeney as The Black Pearl is to Jack."

He seemed to get what I was saying, and started to sing.

"_These are my friends  
See how they glisten  
See this one shine  
How he smiles in the light  
My friend  
My faithful friend"  
_

"Keep going, you're doing great!" I urged him on.

"_Speak to me, friend  
Whisper - I'll listen  
I know, I know  
You've been locked out of sight all these years  
Like me, my friend  
Well I've come home  
To find you waiting  
Home - and we're together  
And we'll do wonders  
Won't we  
You there, my friend"_

"I'm your friend too, Mr. Todd"

Mrs. Lovett had started to sing. I think she finally wanted to express her feelings for him.

"Don't listen to her, just keep singing." I told him, and he did.

_"Come let me hold you"_

_"If you only knew, Mr. Todd"_

_"Now with a sigh"_

_"Ooh, Mr. Todd"_

_"You grow warm in my hand"_

"_You're warm in my hand"  
_

She put her hand on his shoulder. He tried to block her out, but was failing.

_"My friend…"_

_"You've come home"_

_"My clever friend"_

He walked away so she couldn't distract him more.

_"Always had a fondness for you, I did"_

_"Rest now, my friends"_

_"Never you fear, Mr. Todd"_

_"Soon I'll unfold you"_

_"You can move in here, Mr. Todd"_

_"Soon you'll know"_

_"Splendors you never have dreamed all your days"_

_"Will be yours"_

_"My lucky friends"_

_"I'm your friend"_

_"'Till now your shine"_

_"Now you're mine  
Don't they shine beautiful"_

"_Was merely silver"_

"Silver's good enough for me"

"Friends…"

"Mr. T."

"You shall drip rubies  
You'll soon drip precious  
Rubies"

"Now will you kindly tell her to get the hell out of here!?" I said. Jack just slightly turned his head to her.

"Leave me." He whispered simply.

"OK, she's still in earshot. Uh… do something dramatic!" he stood up and held his razor out.

"At last! My arm is complete again."

"She's gone! Very nice." He put the razor down.

"Elm, are you okay?"

"Just fine. Why do you ask?"

"Because of what Mrs. Lovett told me."

"Oh Jack, you should know better than to worry about me. I will tell you what happened, though."

FLASHBACK TIME!

_The Judge really wanted me. He'd be stalking me all day, and it would really get annoying. One day the Beadle came to the door and told me that the Judge wanted to talk to me about something. _

_"Lucy, I'm begging you. Please don't go! You know he's been stalking you for days." _

_"Nellie, I'm going. It's high time I gave that Judge a piece of my mind!"_

_"Well then, ma'am, please come with me." The Beadle said, and held out his arm. I handed Johanna to Mrs. Lovett. _

_"Take care of her while I'm gone." I told her and off I went. I knew what the Judge was going to do and I was ready for it. _

_When I got there, a masquerade was going on. I half expected them to start singing something from The Phantom of the Opera. _

"The Phantom of the what now?" Jack asked.

"Oh, nothing." I said, and continued.

_The Beadle gave me a drink and pushed me into the crowd. I walked around and looked for the Judge, just so I knew when he would pop out. _

_I sat down and he finally did. Before anyone could notice, I switched myself with a dummy. It was really lifelike, though. I slipped out and went to an Elvis concert. _

"What the bloody hell is an Elvis concert, Elm?" Jack was starting to get confused with my future references.

"Oh, it's something in the future." I said dismissively, "I went to a few different times while he was raping the dummy."

_When I had popped in for the fifth time that evening, he was still going at it and they were all still laughing. _

_"He's been doing that for seven hours!" I said, then I noticed the sign hung on the banister. "National Perverts Society Masquerade". _

_"Well, that explains a lot." I said, and went to the year of 2008. _

_When he was finally finished, the dummy was thrown out into the streets by the Beadle. I picked it up, dusted it off, then torched it, and skipped all the way home. _

_When I got there, I pretended to look freaked out and told Mrs. Lovett what happened. I started to cry, she took me upstairs, and went to bed. The next morning she found me on the ground with a bottle of arsenic in my hand. _

"Quite a convincing bluff." Jack said.

"Thank you. Now, I've got to go do something. Be back in a jiff!" And I disappeared out of the room.

If you've seen the movie, you'd know where I disappeared to. The woman on the street had told me to take care of Johanna, but, being the all-powerful being that I was, I had more important matters to attend to. I had to find someone else to take care of her. Jack had pirate things to do and Judge Turpin was a pervert. I decided that the best thing to do was to play matchmaker. That's why I told Jack to make friends with Anthony, because I knew he'd be perfect for her.

Anthony just happened to be wandering down the street that Turpin lived on (courtesy of the map I rigged). He stopped just in front of the house to sit down on the bench I had conjured up, and he heard her sing.

"Green finch and linnet bird

Nightingale, blackbird

How is it you sing?

How can you jubilate

Sitting in cages

Never taking wing?

Outside the sky waits

Beckoning, beckoning

Just beyond the bars

How can you remain

Staring at the rain

Maddened by the stars?

How is it you sing...

Anything?

How is it you sing?"

Anthony stared up at her. My evil plan was working! Well, it wasn't all that evil, but it's just fun to say it like that. He started to walk towards the window and into the street. Stupid kid was gonna get himself run over.

"_My cage has many rooms_

_Damask and dark_

_Nothing there sings_

_Not even my lark_

_Larks never will, you know_

_When they're captive_

_Teach me to be more adaptive_

_Ah..._

_Green finch and linnet bird_

_Nightingale, blackbird_

_Teach me how to sing_

_If I cannot fly_

_Let me sing"_

Before Anthony got himself killed by a horse and buggy, ruining my plans, I decided to intervene. I turned up the crazy and walked towards him.

"_Alms! Alms!_

_For a miserable woman_

_On a miserable chilly morning"_

Anthony gave me some coins (easy money!) and then decided to ask me about Johanna, which is just what I wanted.

"Ma'am, could you tell me whose house this is?"

"Ah, that's the great Judge Turpin's house, that is."

"And the young lady who resides there?"

"Well, that's Johanna, his pretty little ward. Keeps her snug, he does, all locked up. So don't you go trespassing there or it's a good whipping for you--or any other young man with mischief on his mind."

I was getting all in his face (guess it's a family trait) and he seemed uncomfortable. So, just because that look on his face was hilarious, I decided to make him even more uncomfortable.

"'_Ow would you like a little muff, dear_

_A little jig jig_

_A little bounce around the bush?_

_Wouldn't you like to push me parsley?_

_It looks to me, dear_

_Like you got plenty there to push_

_Alms! Alms!"_

I walked away, but that funny look on his face was worth more than any gold! Ha! Ha! Luckily, he shook it off and put his mind towards Johanna again.

"_I feel you, Johanna,  
I feel you.  
I was half convinced I'd waken,  
Satisfied enough to dream you.  
Happily I was mistaken,  
Johanna.  
I'll steal you, Johanna,  
I'll steal you."_

Then the Judge came out and invited him in, and the dumbass walked right in. Right in! I knew from the beginning the kid was thick.

"Better make sure he doesn't get himself killed." I said to myself.

So I popped in and the Judge was all like, "Gandered! Gandered! Gandered!" and the Beadle was all like abusive and Anthony was all bleeding and I was all like "Aw, poor dumbass."

When the Beadle left, Anthony got up and started singing. How the hell he could sing after getting beat senseless is beyond me.

"_I'll steal you, Johanna,  
I'll steal you.  
Do they think that walls could hide you?  
Even now, I'm at your window.  
I am in the dark beside you,  
Buried sweetly in your yellow hair!  
I feel you, Johanna,  
And one day I'll steal you!  
Til I'm with you then,  
I'm with you there,  
Sweetly buried in your yellow hair!"_

When my work was finished, I figured I still had some time before I had to get back to Jack. I decided to yell at people. It's really fun! Plus, everyone already thought I was crazy.

"Hey! You, with the sticks! You don't have leg problems and you're not old so lose the sticks! You fop bastards! And you! With the jeans! Why the hell do you have jeans on?! It's the 18th century people! Wake up! Jeans aren't invented yet!" and so on and so forth. All in all, it was a very fulfilling day.


	6. 5 Time to Piss Off Pirelli!

**A/N: I love you all! Thank you for reading!**

**Disclaimer: I'll say it backwards! .gnihtyna nwo t'nod I **

**Time to Piss Off Pirelli! **

After playing matchmaker with Johanna and Dumbass (that's his name now, isn't it great!) I went back to the shop. When I got there, everyone was gone. They went to the market without me! Sure, Mrs. Lovett didn't know I was there but that is no excuse!

When I finally got to the market (it took a long time because someone ripped a hole in the space-time continuum) Jack had just spotted the Beadle. He was gonna kill him right then and there, because he was used to making a big scene. Luckily, Mrs. Lovett grabbed his arm.

"You can't kill people with witnesses around anymore, Jack." I whispered in his ear. Jack pouted. He can be such a child sometimes.

There was a stage in front of us, and a kid popped out from behind the curtain. He started to bang on a drum. Jack actually seemed interested, because the kid looked familiar to him. He just couldn't put his finger on it. The kid started to sing.

"_Ladies and gentlemen  
May I have your attention per-lease?  
Do you wake ev'ry morning in shame and despair  
To discover your pillow is covered with hair  
What ought not to be there  
Well ladies and gentlemen  
From now on you can waken at ease  
You need never again have a worry or care  
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare  
Gentlemen, you are about to see  
Something what rose from the dead--  
On the top of my head!  
T'was Pirelli's Miracle Elixir  
That's what did the trick, sir  
True, sir, true  
Was it quick, sir?  
Did it in a tick, sir!  
Just like an elixir  
Ought to do  
How about a bottle, mister?  
Only costs a penny, guaranteed  
Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?  
You can have my oath, sir  
'Tis unique  
Rub a minute--  
Stimulatin' innit?  
Soon you'll have to thin it once a week!"  
_

An idea was starting to form in Jack's mind. He knew a fraud when he saw one. I mean, come on, he's a pirate.

"_Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?" _

Mrs. Lovett decided to join in.

"_Are we standing near an open trench?  
Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stench?"_

"Must be standing near an open trench"

The kid tried to ignore them.

"_Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixir  
Anything what's slick, sir  
Soon sprouts curls  
Try Pirelli's!  
When they see the thick, sir  
You can have your pick, sir  
Of the girls!  
Wanna buy a bottle, _missus_?"_

Jack and Mrs. Lovett got a hold of a bottle. He made a show of sniffing it.

"_What is this?"  
_

"_What is this?"_

"Smells like piss"

"_Smells like-- phew!"_

"Looks like piss"

"Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear"

_  
"This is piss…  
Piss with ink" _

The kid was starting to get nervous. Jack and Mrs. Lovett were just playing with him.

"_Let Pirelli's activate your roots, sir"_

"Keep it off your boots, sir--  
eats right through"

"Yes, get Pirelli's!  
Use a bottle of it  
Ladies seem to love it!"

"Flies do too!"

With that final insult Adolfo Pirelli himself burst out all dramatic like.

"_I am Adolfo Pirelli_

_Da king of da barbers_

_Da barber of kings_

_E buon giorno, good day_

_I blow you a kiss!_

_And I, da so famous Pirelli_

_I wish-a to know-a_

_Who has-a the nerve-a to say_

_My elixir is piss!_

_Who says this?!"_

He was mad. Jack was quiet for a bit, probably waiting for me to say how this would impact our joke. When I didn't say anything, he threw caution into the wind.

"I do. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd of Fleet Street. I have opened a bottle of Pirelli's elixir and I say to you that it is nothing but an errant fraud, concocted from piss and ink. Furthermore -'Signor'- I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank! You see these razors? I lay them against five pound. You are no match, Signor. Either accept my challenge, or reveal yourself as a sham." Jack was definitely playing the pirate game here. He did have and unfair advantage, since I had magically given him his barbering talent. But Pirelli thought that he had the advantage.

"You hear zis foolish man? Now, please, you will see how he will-a regret-a his-a folly! TOBY!" They kid ran up to Pirelli like his life depended on it, which it probably did.

"Who's for a free shave?" Jack asked to crowd. They were all very enthusiastic. When they had two willing customers, Jack asked if the Beadle would be the judge.

"Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors." He said. Jack sure was an amazing guy. He managed to put in his own joke while keeping to our joke and possibly using said "his joke" to said "our joke's" advantage.

"The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner!" the Beadle blew a whistle, and it was on. That's when I saw that not only was Pirelli a fake, but was also abusive. Poor kid.

"_Now signorini, signori_

_We mix-a da lather_

_But first-a you gather around_

_Signorini, signori_

_You looking a man_

_Who had-a da glory_

_To shave-a da Pope!_

_Mr. Sweeney whoever--_

_I beg-a you pardon_

_You'll probably say it was only a cardinal--_

_Nope!_

_It was-a da pope!_

_To shave-a da face_

_To cut-a da hair_

_Require da grace_

_Require da flair_

_For if-a you slip_

_You nick da skin_

_You clip-a da chin_

_You rip-a da lip a bit beyond-a repair!" _

Jack hadn't started yet. See he was playing with Pirelli. He's the kind of predator that plays with his victims by letting them think that they are playing with him when he is actually playing with them before going in for the kill. Savvy?

"_To shave-a da face_

_Or even a part_

_Widout it-a smart_

_Require da heart!_

_Not just-a da flash_

_It take-a panache_

_It take-a da passion for da art"_

He still hadn't started.

"_To shave-a da face_

_To trim-a da beard_

_To make-a da bristle_

_Clean like a whistle_

_Dis is from early infancy_

_Da talent give to me_

_By God!"_

Cutting it a bit close! The song's almost over!

"_It take-a da skill_

_It take-a da brains_

_It take-a da will_

_To take-a da pains_

_It take-a da pace_

_It take-a da graaaace!"_

He started shaving on Pirelli's last very long and unnaturally high note. He finished in five seconds and now he was a five pound richer! He smiled a "Ha, ha" smile at Pirelli, who was pissed.

"Sir, I bow to a skill far greater than my own." Jack didn't care, he wanted the money. He also didn't notice Toby who was staring at him like he was trying to remember where he'd seen Jack before.

"The five pound." He said simply, holding out his hand. Pirelli gave it to him.

"May the good Lord smile on you. Until we meet again." He hid his anger pretty well. But in his next lines said anger was apparent.

"Come, boy, come!" he slapped the Toby and then started rambling angrily in Italian or German or Pig Latin or some random language. I congratulated Jack when he came down. Someone came up to him and asked if he had his own establishment. That joke of his had worked for our joke in more ways than I thought. I spied the Beadle.

"Time to lure in the Beadle." I told him. He walked over to him.

"I thank you sir, you are a paragon of integrity." Man, for a pirate, Jack sure uses a lot of big words.

"Well, I try to do the best for my friends and neighbors." _Sure_ you do. "You establishment is in Fleet Street, you say?"

"Yes, sir." I know it killed him to call someone else "sir", but that's just the fun of it.

"Well then, Mr. Todd, you will surely see me there before the week is out."

"You will be welcome, Beadle Bamford, and I can guarantee, without a penny's charge, the closest shave you will ever know." The Beadle tipped his hat to Jack and walked away. Now things were starting to get good.


	7. 6 Familiar Faces

**A/N: Well, in fanfiction writing... (microphne gets unplugged and no one can hear anything for a while, then it get plugged back in) ... and that's all I have to say about that. **

**Disclaimer: The owner and writer of this story is not the owner and writer of Sweeney Todd and PotC. The above was taken from Forrest Gump ** www. youtube. com/watch?vqWmiO4SavZI

**Familiar Faces **

Now I'm sure you're all interested with what is happening between Johanna and Dumbass, right? Well that's too bad for you, because absolutely nothing interesting whatsoever is happening. He does get the key to her room, but, come on. How interesting is that?

MEANWHILE…

Me, Jack, and Mrs. Lovett were up in the barbershop. She's rambling on about Albert and Jack was very bored and sharpening a razor. I'm standing there reassuring him that things are going to get more fun.

"Why doesn't the Beadle come? 'Before the week is out.' That's what he said." Jack can be impatient sometimes. Namely when there isn't a ship under him.

"And who says the week is out? It's only Tuesday." Jack looked at her. He didn't know it was Tuesday. You see, when you're a sailor (pirate) all the days kind of merge together. I, of course, just laughed, and he threw the sharpening thingy at me.

"Anger management, Jack." I tut-tutted him. Mrs. Lovett, on the other hand, started to sing.

"_Easy now._

_Hush, love, hush. _

_Don't distress yourself, _

_What's your rush?_

_Keep your thoughts_

_Nice and lush._

_Wait." _

She walked up to him. He walked a step further. Jack had started to like Mrs. Lovett, but wasn't really sure what to think.

"_Hush, love, hush._

_Think it through._

_Once it bubbles, _

_Then what's to do?_

_Watch it close._

_Let it brew._

_Wait." _

He stole a couple of glances at her, and smiled, he was really starting to like her. He tried to make it seem like he was looking out the window, but his eyes kept darting to her.

"_I've been thinking, flowers-_

_Maybe daisies-_

_To brighten up the room._

_Don't you think some flowers,_

_Pretty daisies,_

_Might relieve the gloom?_

_Ah, wait, love, wait." _

"And the Judge? When will we get to him?" Even as he was a bit love struck, he still managed to stay in character. He walked outside just so she would come and lead him back in, which she did.

"Can't you think of nothing else? Always broodin' away on yer wrongs what 'appened 'eaven knows 'ow many years ago-

_Slow, love, slow._

_Time's so fast._

_Now goes quickly-_

_See, now it's past!_

_Soon will come._

_Soon will last._

_Wait."_

She sat him down and kneeled next to him.

"_Don't you know,_

_Silly man,_

_Half the fun is to_

_Plan the plan?_

_All good things come to _

_Those who can_

_Wait. _

_Gillyflowers, maybe,_

'_Stead of daisies…_

_I don't know, though…_

_What do you think?" _

Jack smiled that devilish smile of his. Then he heard someone coming up the stairs. He was so used to people coming after him that he immediately pressed himself against the wall, hiding.

"No one is coming for you." I told him, just as Dumbass burst through the door. He was expecting Mr. Todd but saw Mrs. Lovett instead.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me."

"Mrs. Lovett, sir."

"A pleasure, ma'am." He spotted Jack. "Mr. Todd, there's a girl who needs my help. She's a sad girl and lonely, but beautiful, too and…"

"Slow down, son." _This kid is starting to sound like a Turner. _Jack thought. Dumbass continued.

"This girl has a guardian that keeps her locked away but this morning she dropped this." He showed the key. "Surely a sign that Johanna wants go away with me. That's her name, Johanna, and Turpin is her guardian. He's a judge of some sort. When he's goes to court I'm going to slip in, release her, and beg her to come away with me tonight."

"Oh, this is all very romantic." Mrs. Lovett said. He turned to her.

"Yes!" He was obviously very excited about this. "But I don't know anyone in London, you see. If I could keep her here just for an hour or so until I've hired a coach to take us away I'd be forever in your debt."

"This is why I wanted you to get to know him." I told Jack. He looked the kid up and down.

_Smart, but why are you trusting him with Johanna? He seems like a dumbass. _Jack thought. I just shrugged

"They're in love. Don't ask me how I know that, I just know." Jack looked over to Mrs. Lovett.

"Bring 'er 'ere, luv."

"Thank you, ma'am. Mr. Todd?" He still wanted Jack's permission. Jack nodded. Dumbass grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously.

"Thank you! Thank you, my friend! Thank you, ma'am!" With that he left.

"Looks like the fates are favoring you at last, Mr. T."

"Yes, I control his fate. Bwahahaha!" I said. Jack grunted at me involuntarily, annoyed. Mrs. Lovett though it was about something else.

"What is it? You'll 'ave 'er back before the day is out." Jack thought quickly.

"What about 'im?"

"'Im? Well, let 'im bring 'er 'ere, and since you're so up for a little…" she pointed to her throat, "that's the throat to slit, my dear."

"Hey, Jack, there's someone coming down the road." I said and he walked over to the window.

"Poor little Johanna. All those years without a scrap of motherly affection. Well, we'll soon see to that." She noticed Jack looking out the window and went over there herself.

" 'Ello. What's 'e doin' 'ere." She said as she saw none other than Adolfo Pirelli walking up to the shop.

Jack and I knew that whatever was going to happen, it wasn't going to be pretty. We silently agreed that Mrs. Lovett and the kid should stay downstairs.

"Keep the boy downstairs." He told her. She nodded and left.

"So, what are we going to do about Pirelli?" I asked Jack.

"I'll listen to what he has to say. His fate will depend on what he says."

"I like the way you think. Though I honestly doubt he has anything good to say."

"Well, it was nice not knowin' him!" Jack said cheerily. A couple seconds later Pirelli knocked on the door. Jack invited him in as coldly as possible.

"Mister Todd."

"Signor Pirelli."

"Call me Davey." His name had to be Davey. I know that Jack was thinking the same thing. "Davey Collins's the name when it's not professional. I'd like me five quid back, if you don't mind."

"Why?" Jack didn't like to give up money.

"Because you entered into our little wager under false pretences. I'll be takin' half your profits here with. Share and share alike. Mr. Benjamin Barker."

"Ooo! We've got ourselves a smart one!"

_Well we know what to do about them. _

As Davey babbled on about how he had helped Jack out in the shop before, we discussed our evil plan.

"So, how are we going to do it?"

_You're usually the one that comes up with these ideas. _

"Ya, but now it's your turn." Jack walked over to the box of razors.

_I could always just slit his throat. _

"Come on, Jack, think outside of the razor box. What's on the stove?"

_A big, iron tea…Ah! I'm not sure if I could beat him to death, though. _

"Just think about Davey Jones."

Jack hated Jones. At that moment he imagined the octopus-like captain standing before him, and, just as Pirelli finished his threat, Jack beat the hell out of him with the teapot. When he was finished he collapsed in the barber's chair. I looked down at the carnage and said the first thing that popped into my mind.

"Holy shit."

"You told me to think about Jones, and I did."

"I know but… I mean… and the… Did I mention holy shit?"

"Aye." Then I heard Toby coming.

"Oh, God, the kid is coming! Hide the body!" There was a mad dash to find a place to hide him and get him in there.

"You're on your own, pal!" I said and snapped out of there.

"Coward!" He called. Just as the kid walked in he started to pour himself a cup of tea.

"Signor, you've got an appointment." He said as he walked in searching for his master. He noticed Jack.

"Signor Pirelli's been called away. Better run after him." Jack barely looked at the kid, but the kid looked at Jack and recognized him. He was almost sure that Sweeney Todd was, in fact, Captain Jack Sparrow, so he started to stall.

"No, sir. I should stay here or it'll be a lashing. He's a great one for the lashings." Jack noticed something. Not that Pirelli's hand was twitching, only I noticed that. No, he finally knew where he had seen that boy before. This was the kid that referred to him as "Uncle Jack". This was William (Liam) Turner III. Jack didn't want the boy to know his true identity, so he tried to get him back downstairs with some of his famous convincing. What happened next was a battle of wits.

"So, Mrs. Lovett give you a pie, did she?"

"She's a real lady."

"That she is. But, if I know a growing boy, then there's still room for more pie, eh?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then why don't you wait for your master downstairs. Be another pie in it for you."

"No. I should stay 'ere." Jack was running out of ideas. He used his last resort.

"Tell you what. Why don't you tell Mrs. Lovett that I said to give you a nice, big tot of gin."

"Thank you, sir!" The kid ran off. Jack had introduced him to drinking (Elizabeth never forgave him) and, frankly, the kid loved it.

"You know, Pirelli is still alive in there." I said casually. Guess I was the only one who noticed the hand twitching. _Sigh_. Boys.

"Just slit his throat. Good practice for what's to come." Jack did just exactly that. There was blood everywhere: on the floor, in the trunk, on Jack's sleeve, everywhere! Then he started to wipe off his blade.

MEANWHILE IN THE HALL OF STUPID LOOKING POWDERED WIGS…

"This is the second time, sir, you have been brought before this bench. Though it is my earnest wish to ever temper justice with mercy, your persistent dedication to a life of crime is an abomination before God and man. I therefore sentence you do hang by the neck until you are dead, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Court is adjourned." The Judge banged the hammer-thingy (see how knowledgeable I am in this subject!) and court was over. Just to prove how heartless Turpin is, he just sentenced a little boy to death.

The Judge walked down the steps leading to the courthouse, the Beadle in tow. The Beadle then began his usual kiss-ass routine.

"Thank you, your honor. Just the sentence we wanted."

"And was he guilty?" Damn! This guy is cold!

"Well, if he didn't do it, he's surely done something to warrant the hanging." God! They both are!

"What man has not."

"Sorry?"

"No matter. Come, walk home with me. I have news for you, my friend. In order to shield her from the evils of this world, I have decided to marry my dear Johanna." Or to hide that you are gay with the Beadle. Everyone's thinking it, I'm just saying it.

"Ah, sir, happy news indeed." Bloody kiss-ass.

"Strange, though, when I offered myself to her, she showed a certain reluctance." Maybe because you're old enough to be her grandfather. And you're a pervert! I should know!

"_Excuse me, my lord, _

_May I request, my lord,_

_Permission, my lord, to speak?" _

This guy's voice is annoying, but the tune is catchy.

"_Forgive me if I suggest, my lord, _

_You're looking less than you best, my lord,_

_There's powder upon our vest, my lord, _

_And stubble upon your cheek."_

In other words, you look like shit, Judge Turpin.

"_And ladies, my lord, are weak."_

Weak! Let me strike you with a lightning bolt and then we'll see who's weak! Oh, what now!

"Stubble, you say?" he spotted his but-ugly reflection in a window. "Perhaps I an a little overhasty in the morning."

"_Fret not though, my lord, _

_I know a place, my lord,_

_A barber, my lord, of skill."_

Now that's more like it.

"_Thus armed with a shaven face, my lord,_

_Some eau de cologne to brace, my lord,_

_And musk to enhance the chase, my lord, _

_You'll dazzle the girl until…"_

"Until?"

"_She bows to your every will." _

She wouldn't bow to you if you were the friggin' Kind of England!

"A barber? Take me to him."

"His name is Todd, my lord, and he is the very last word in barbering."

AFTER MY RANT ABOUT THE TWO WEIRDOS…

"You did that quite casually." I said.

"Did you think that I haven't killed before, luv." He said as he cleaned off the razor. I was about to protest, but Mrs. Lovett walked in.

"Oh, that lad is drinking me out of 'ouse and 'ome." She paused. " 'Ow long 'till Pirelli get's back?"

"He won't be back." Jack said, turning around and revealing the bloody sleeve. She was shocked.

"Mr. T.! You didn't!" Jack looked towards the trunk. She went and opened it. It was closed almost immediately.

"_Gasp_! You're barkin' mad! Killin' a man what done you no 'arm!"

"He recognized me from the old days. Tried to blackmail me. Half me earnings." It also killed Jack to say "earnings" because if a pirate actually earned something, it gave said pirate a bad name.

"Oh! Well, that's another matter, then. For a moment there I'd thought you'd lost yer marbles." Thank God this woman could understand this. She opened the trunk again.

"Uhg. All that blood. Poor bugger. Ah, well." She reached in and pulled out his purse and looked inside. "Well, waste not, want not." She said, tucking it into her dress. This just made Jack respect her even more.

"So, what we going to do about the boy, then?" She asked, closing the chest again.

"Send him up." Jack wanted to tell the kid about all of this. Mrs. Lovett took it for something else.

"We don't need to worry about 'im, 'e's a simple thing."

"Jack." I scolded, but he didn't listen.

"Send him up." He said, louder this time.

"Now, Mr. T., surely one's enough for today. 'Sides, I was thinkin' about hirin' a lad to 'elp me run the shop. Me poor knees aren't what they used to be."

"Alright." She had a way of convincing. I beckoned Jack over to the window.

"Course we're gonna have to stock up on the gin. Boy drinks like a sailor." Gee, I wonder why! That's when Jack spotted the figure coming towards the shop.

"The Judge!"


	8. 7 Leaving Jack Alone

**A/N: If it's in bold, two people are singing together, if it's underlined there is someone else singing. Sorry I havn't written in a while, school and all. Well, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: You know, if I died and went to heaven, I still wouldn't own Sweeney Todd or PotC. **

**Leaving Jack Alone**

"Get out." Jack said, he knew this was going to be messy. She wouldn't listen.

"Jack, get her out of here." I said.

"Get out!" He said it louder that time. She flinched and walked out.

Jack rushed to get things ready.

"Blood on your sleeve." I reminded him. He got a jacket on and the Judge came in.

"Mr. Todd?" You know, standing in the Judges presence is kind of creepy.

"At your service… An honor to receive your patronage, my lord."

"Do you know me, sir?"

"Who in this wide world does not know the great Judge Turpin?" The Judge nodded, and walked in. As he talked about how the place was a shithole but the Beadle had said good things about it, I talked to Jack.

"Don't worry about a thing. I'll walk you through, step by step, okay?" Jack nodded.

"Now say something to answer the Judge and ask what you can do for him."

"That is gracious of him, sir. What may I do for you today, sir? A stylish trimming of the hair? A soothing skin massage? Sit, sir, sit." He took the Judge's coat off, and the Judge got all up in his face.

"_You see, sir, a man infatuate with love,_

_Her ardent and eager slave._

_So fetch the pomade and pumice stone_

_And lend me a more seductive tone, _

_A sprinkling perhaps of French cologne, _

_But first, sir, I think- a shave." _

"Threaten him so that he doesn't know you are threatening him." I said, and Jack sang with the Judge.

"_The closest I ever gave." _

He started to whistle.

"You are in a merry mood today, Mr. Todd."

"Now are you glad I taught you how to whistle?" I said. Jack almost laughed, and continued to sing.

"'_Tis your delight, sir, catching fire_

_From one man to the next."_

"'_Tis true, sir, love can still inspire_

_The blood to pound, the heart leap higher." _

"Now get the lather."

"_**What more, what more can man require-"**_

"_Than love, sir?"_

"_More than love, sir."_

"_What, sir?" _

"_Women."_

"_Ah yes, women."_

"_Pretty women." _

"Oh Jack, you and your women. Now put on the lather."

_Can I kill him then?_

"No, but you can do something dramatic."

"_Now then, my friend._

_Now to your purpose._

_Patience, enjoy it. _

_Revenge can't be taken in haste."_

"_Make haste, and if we wed,_

_You'll be commended, sir." _

"_My lord…_

_And who, may it be said,_

_Is your intended, sir?" _

"_My ward._

And pretty as a rosebud."

"Pretty as her mother?"

"You are just too sweet, Jack. I never get this many compliments from that dead guy I hang out with." Jack almost laughed again. Luckily, the Judge didn't catch that.

"What? What was that?"

"Oh, nothing, sir. Nothing. May we proceed?"

_Now?_

"No." And Jack took the swipe that was going to be deadly and turned it into a razor stroke.

"_Pretty women…_

_Fascinating…_

_Sipping coffee,_

_Dancing…_

_Pretty women_

_Are a wonder-_

_Pretty women."_

_Now?_

"No."

"_Sitting in the window or_

_Standing on the stair,_

_Something in them_

_Cheers the air."_

_Now?_

"No!"

"_Pretty women…"_

"_Silhouetted…"_

"_Stay within you…" _

"_Glancing…"_

"_Stay forever…"_

"_Breathing lightly…"_

"_Pretty women…" _

_Now?_

"No! What are you, a child? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? I'll tell you when, so shut up and sing! God!"

"_**Pretty women!**_

_**Blowing out their candles or**_

_**Combing out their hair…" **_

"_Then they leave…_

"_Even when they leave you "Even when they leave you_

_And vanish, they somehow They still _

_Can still remain Are _

_There with you, There. _

_There with you." They're there."_

Jack missed the Pearl, and I think this part was dedicated to her.

"_**Ah,**_

_**Pretty women…" **_

"_At their mirrors…"_

"_In their gardens…"_

"_Letter-writing…"_

"_Flower-picking…"_

"_Weather-watching…"_

"_**How they make a man sing!"**_

"Now go in slowly."

_Finally. _

"_**Proof of heaven**_

_**As you're living-**_

_**Pretty women, sir!"**_

"_Pretty women, yes! "Pretty women, here's to_

_Pretty women, sir! Pretty women, all the_

_Pretty women! Pretty women…"_

_Pretty women, sir!"_

Just as Jack was going in for the kill, Anthony burst in just as I had planned. Mwaha… Oh, you get the idea.

"Mr. Todd! I've seen Johanna and she said she'd leave with me tonight…" he spotted the Judge.

_You tricked me. _

"Ya. Ha ha." I said. The Judge got up.

"You! There is indeed a higher power to warn me thus in time. Johanna elope with you? I will make sure that neither you nor any other man will ever set eyes on her again."

_Did your crazy dead friend suggest this, because it scared me shitless when the Judge came in. _

"Maybe he did, maybe he didn't."

"As for you, barber," the Judge continued, "it's all to clear what company you keep. Service them well and hold their custom for you'll have none of mine." He walked out with a bit of lather still on his face.

"Now get Anthony out of here."

"Mr. Todd- you have to help me-"

"Out."

"Mr. Todd, please."

"Out."

"Mr. Todd."

"OUT!"

Anthony left and I turned to talk to Jack.

"OK! I've got some water burning on a fire kettle! So… Bye!" I said and disappeared. Mrs. Lovett popped in and Jack improvised. Now, until I come back to him, I will put every thing into his thoughts.

"All this shouting and running about- what's happened?"

"I had him, and…"

"Sailor busted in, I know, and then I saw them both running down the stairs."

"_I had him!_

_His throat was bare_

_Beneath my hand-!"_

"There, there, dear, calm down." She tried to soothe me.

"_No, I had him!_

_His throat was there,_

_And he'll never come again!"_

Since talking didn't work, she tried singing.

"_Easy now._

_Hush, love, hush,_

_I keep telling you-" _

"_When?!" _

"_What's your rush?" _

"_Why did I wait?_

You _told me to wait!_

_Now he'll never come again!"_

I had to improvise. Luckily, thinking fast in tight spots is my gift.

"_There's a hole in the world_

_Like a great black pit_

_And it's filled with people_

_Who are filled with shit _

_And the vermin of the world_

_Inhabit it-_

_But not for long!"_

I remembered the joke and figured that going insane in song was a good reason for killing everyone.

"_They all deserve to die!_

_Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett,_

_Tell you why…_

_Because in all of the whole human race,_

_Mrs. Lovett,_

_There are two kinds of men and only two._

_There's the one staying put_

_In his proper place_

_And the one with his foot_

_In the other one's face-_

_Look at me, Mrs. Lovett,_

_Look at you!_

_No, we all deserve to die!_

_Even you, Mrs. Lovett,_

_Even I."_

I didn't want to scare Mrs. Lovett by holding my razor to her throat, but I did. I figured I'd apologize to her later, and come on, who can resist Captain Jack Sparrow?

"_Because the lives of the wicked should be _

_Made brief._

_For the rest of us, death_

_Will be a relief._

_We all deserve to die!"_

I guess I should put something in about my family.

"_And I'll never see Johanna,_

_No, I'll never hug my girl to me-_

_Finished!" _

Now it's time to get the show on the road. I pretended to completely lose it.

"_All right! You, sir,_

_How about a shave?_

_Come and visit_

_Your good friend Sweeney!_

_You, sir, too, sir,_

_Welcome to the grave!_

_I will have vengeance,_

_I will have salvation!_

_Who, sir? You, sir?_

_No one in the chair,_

_Come on, come on,_

_Sweeney's waiting!_

_I want you bleeders!_

_You, sir- anybody!_

_Gentlemen, now don't be shy!_

_Not one man, no,_

_Nor ten men,_

_Nor a hundred_

_Can assuage me-_

_I will have you!"_

Now time for the Judge.

"_And I will get him back _

_Even as he gloats._

_In the meantime I'll practice_

_On less honorable throats."_

Probably should do more about the old family.

"_And my Lucy lies in ashes_

_And I'll never see my girl again,_

_But the work waits,_

_I'm alive at last_

_And I'm full of joy!" _

I was on my knees, panting. Singing really takes a lot out of a man, 'specially if you only really sing when you're drunk.

"That's all very well, but what we gonna do about 'im?" Mrs. Lovett asked me, nodding to the trunk. I just stayed silent. I've found that if I don't talk, she talks more, _and_ I can hear her. Odd, isn't it?

"Hello? Can you 'ear me?" When I said nothing, she helped me up and practically dragged me downstairs. "Great useless thing." To tell the truth (which is not something I normally do) I really liked her close to me.

When we got into her shop, she sat me down and gave something to drink. Finally! I mean, really, what's a man got to do to get a drink around here?

"Now, we've got a body moulderin' away upstairs. Now what you intend we should do about that, then?" I knew that Elm would take care of it (if, of course, she ever came back) but just to be safe…

"Later on, when it's dark, we'll take him to some secret place and bury him."

"Oh yeah, of course we could do that." She got up and went to the window. "I don't suppose 'e's got any relatives going to come poking around loookin' for 'im." Right then, it looked as if lightning had just struck her pretty brain.

"_Seems a downright shame…"_

"Shame?" It's odd for me, but I was interested in every word this woman said.

"_Seems and awful waste…_

_Such as nice plump frame_

_Wot's-his-name_

_Has…_

_Had…_

_Has…_

_Nor it can't be traced."_

I couldn't see what she was getting at.

"_Business needs a lift, _

_Debts to be erased,_

_Think of it as thrift, _

_As a gift…_

_I you get my drift…"_

I still didn't get her drift. I think bein' away from sea for too long has addled me brains.

"_Seems and awful waste._

_I mean, _

_With the price of meat what it is,_

_When you get it,_

_If you get it-" _

I finally got where this was going.

"Ah!"

"_Good, you got it._

_Take, for instance,_

_Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop._

_Business never better, using only_

_Pussy cats and toast. _

_Now a pussy's good for maybe six or_

_Seven at the most._

_And I'm sure they can't compare,_

_As far as taste-"_

I watched her every move. God! She was beautiful. Plus, a bloody genius. I knew it might put and extra weight on our plans, but I did it anyway. I let my guard down and admitted I loved her.

"_Mrs. Lovett, _

_What a charming notion, _

_Eminently practical and yet "Well, it does seem a_

_Appropriate, as always. Waste…"_

_Mrs. Lovett _

_How I did without you_

_All these years I'll never know!_

I stated dancing with her and saw the look of pure joy on her face. Yup, no woman can resist me. None of them!

"_Think about it._

"_How delectable! Lots of other gentlemen'll_

_Also undetectable! Soon be coming for a shave,_

_Won't they?_

_Think of _

_How choice! All them_

_How rare!" Pies!"_

We stopped dancing and walked over to the window, still very close together.

"_For what's the sound of the world out there?" _

"_What, Mr. Todd,_

_What, Mr. Todd,_

_What is that sound?" _

"_Those crunching noises pervading the air?"_

"_Yes, Mr. Todd,_

_Yes, Mr. Todd, _

_Yes, all around-"_

"_It's man devouring man, my dear,"_

"_**Then who are we**_

_**To deny it in here?" **_

She walked away, and before I walked after her, I said "These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for."

"Here we are, hot out of the oven." She placed a pie on the table. I knew she was getting at something, I just didn't know what. My usually clever mind has been dulled by lack of rum, I guess.

"What is that?"

"_It's priest._

_Have a little priest."_

Oh! I get it!

"_Is it really good?"_

"_Sir, it's too good,_

_At least._

_Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,_

_So it's pretty fresh."_

I looked at the priest standing outside the window. He seemed to have a couple chins to spare.

"_Awful lot of fat."_

"_Only where it sat."_

She's got a sense of humor too!

"_Haven't you got poet_

_Or something like that?"_

"_No, you see the trouble with poet _

_Is, how do you know it's _

_Deceased?_

_Try the priest."_

You know, poking fun at people is always fun. Especially when every word you're saying is true. Never thought you'd hear a pirate say that, eh?

"_Lawyer's rather nice."_

"_If it's for a price."_

"_Order something else, though, to follow,_

_Since no one should swallow _

_It twice."_

"_Anything that's lean?"_

"_Well, then, if you're British and loyal,_

_You might enjoy Royal_

_Marine._

_Anyway, it's clean._

_Though, of course, it tastes of wherever it's been." _

Damn marines. They're just around every corner, aren't they?

"_Is that squire _

_On the fire?"_

"_Mercy no, sir,_

_Look closer,_

_You'll notice it's grocer."_

"_Looks thicker._

_More like vicar."_

"_No, it has to be grocer- it's green."_

I put my hand on the back of her neck and sang to her.

"_The history of the world, my love-"_

"_Save a lot of graves,_

_Do a lot of relatives favors…" _

"_-Is those below serving those up above."_

"_Everybody shaves,_

_So there should be plenty of flavors…"_

I turned her to face me.

"_How gratifying for once to know-"_

"_**-that those above will serve those down below!"**_

We looked out of the window and I spotted one of those men who dresses up so fancy-like they almost look like women.

"What is that?"

"_It's fop."_

That's the word I was lookin' for!

"_Finest in the shop._

_Or we have some shepherd's pie peppered_

_With actual shepherd_

_On top._

_And I've just begun._

_Here's a politician—so oily_

_It's served with a doily—_

_Have one?"_

I picked it up. She was right. It was so oily it was dripping out of the… was that a bun?

"_Put it on a bun._

_Well, you never know if it's going to run."_

"_Try the friar._

_Fried, it's drier."_

"_No, the clergy is really_

_Too coarse and too mealy."_

I should know. I was once a clergy man meself. I mean, I did impersonate a clerk and I did a bloody good job of it. Hehe… good times.

"_Then actor—_

_It's compacter."_

"_Yes, and always arrives overdone."_

Have ye ever seen one o' them plays? Not an experience I'd like to repeat, mates.

"_I'll come again when you_

_Have Judge on the menu."_

And we were back to the dancing. Ye know, for some reason that's far beyond me, I really liked the dancing.

"_Have charity toward the world, my pet—"_

"_Yes, yes, I know, my love—"_

"_We'll take the customers that we can get."_

"_High-born and low, my love."_

"_We'll not discriminate great from small._

_No, we'll serve anyone—_

_Meaning anyone—"_

"_We'll serve anyone—"_

"_**And to anyone**_

_**At all!"**_

**A/N: If you can guess who "that crazy dead guy" is, then I'll give you a oneshot starring Elmarine, Jack, and said dead guy. I'll give you a hint: he's in a movie that doesn't have Johnny Depp in it but is made by Johnny Depp's favorite director. Luck! **


	9. 8 Two Idiots and a Trio

**A/N: I'm sooooooooo sorry I haven't been writing! Feel free to throw food, empty containers, knives, or anything else you can think of. Go on! Let me have it! I deserve it! Oh! And by the way, someone guessed right at who the crazy dead guy was. It's Beetlejuice! The Ghost With the Most! Thank you The Purple Eco Sage! **

**Disclaimer: Ok, here goes. I do not own Secret Window, Sleepy Hollow, The Dark Knight, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Beetlejuice, Sweeney Todd, or PotC. If I did, it would probably be the end of the word! (crosses fingers and pulls down the lever that says "End of the World: Do NOT pull!") **

I pressed the pause button on the remote and looked at the men surrounding me. They all had one thing in common; they were all evil and crazy to some degree. There was Mort Rainy (in his state of mind), The Joker (the one with the highest degree in awesome craziness), The Headless Horseman (who has no head at the time), Lord Voldemort (my least favorite, but still pretty cool), Darth Vader (applause, cheers, and whistles), and Beetlejuice (thank you The Purple Eco Sage for reviewing).

"I told you guys my brother could sing." I said, triumphantly. They all groaned. They had all bet that Jack wouldn't be able to pull it off because he couldn't sing (quite a bit of money, too). But they had forgotten one very important thing… He's Captain Jack Sparrow.

John Shooter didn't like the idea of giving up his money. He tried to say something, but before he could…

"Snap out of it Rainey… Shooter… Whoever you are!" I said, and hit him with a giant, heavy dictionary that I had pulled out from behind my back.

"Well, I gotta split! See you guys Sunday for cards! Oh, and you can hand me the money you owe me on the way out." I said. They muttered their response, still pissed off about me taking their money.

"Hey, Joker, here are ones from last Sunday." I tossed two Joker cards to him for his collection. We had decided to give them to hem every Sunday, ever since he started stealing them during the game.

"See ya!" I said and opened the portal to each of their universes. I held out my hand for the money as they passed by.

Vader gave me some money that they were just throwing him and he had absolutely no need for. The Joker laughed and threw a big stack at me that was burnt at the tips. The Headless Horseman gave me a very rude hand gesture and probably would've said something if not for his current state of headlessness. Lord Voldemort gave me a bag of gold galleons, and not a light bag let me tell you. Beetlejuice tried to sneak past me in one of his various forms, but I caught him by the tie and forced him to cough up…. Literally. I then said his name three times and he zapped back where he belonged.

Last was Mort. He was still unconscious, so I just helped myself. I went into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, and took what he owed me. I then kicked his limp body into his cottage where he woke up later with a massive headache and a lighter wallet.

"I'm gonna kill Jack." I said, smiling and fanning through my money. After a few seconds of fanning and smiling, I stuffed the money in my pocket and zapped to Fleet Street.

Jack was standing in the middle of the shop, looking at the chair, contemplating something when I popped in.

"Boo." I said in an annoyed voice.

"Oh, hey luv. What's wrong?" He asked, noticing my annoyed tone and face.

"Oh, nothing really. It's just that you dragged that Lovett woman into this!!!" I yelled at him. He looked taken aback.

"You never said anything about not bringing anyone else into this." He said with one of his trademark smirks. I, on the other hand, fumed.

"But it's common sense, Jack! We're playing a joke _on _people, not a joke _with _people!" His smile faltered. "You'd better find a way to fix this!" His smile returned.

"Of course I will! I'm…" but I finished for him.

"Ya, ya, Captain Jack Sparrow. I know, I know." I said, waving it off. He grunted unhappily.

"Well, before we solve that, we've gotta figure out what to do with this chair. I mean, I can't keep hiding the victims in that trunk. Plus, I plan on taking her up on her offer, which I'm sure you heard and I'm sure you can plan around. So I've got to find a way to get the victims from up here to down there without causing much of a scene." He said. I smiled devilishly.

"Way ahead of you, bro!" I snapped my fingers and out of thin air came blueprints for the mechanical chair. He looked them over. His eyes got a mischievous glint in them and his smile grew to match mine.

"You know you're a genius, right?" He asked.

"Of course!" I said, buffing my fingernails on my shirt. "But you've gotta build it. Because, number one, you're better at tools and building stuff than me, and number two, you let Lovett in on our business. This is your punishment. Ha. Ha." I explained. He gave me a dirty look, but got to work. I walked over to what we were starting to call Pirelli's Trunk.

"No, I haven't touched it since I killed it." Jack said, not looking up from his work. Sometimes he could read me just as well as I could read him. I opened the lid to find "it" and the stink that went with it.

"Peeeeewwwwwwwweeeeeeeee!!!! Somebody had beans and forgot to spray the air freshener!" This made Jack look up at me, confused.

"You'll get it in the future. But, basically, it means that that is some stanky shit." He got it, smiled, and looked back down at his work.

"Hey, Jack. Get over here. I think there's something swimming in his blood." I said. Jack walked over.

"You're kidding." He said matter-of-factly, and looked inside. Then whatever-it-was did a little dolphin jump and dived back into the depths.

"The hell is that!" Jack said, leaning back for a second only to lean in even closer that he was before.

"Only one way to find out!" I said and plunged my hand into the goop. Jack stuck out his tongue in disgust. I just kept digging around in there until I found what I was looking for.

It was unidentifiable, as it was covered oh so thoroughly in blood. I was pretty small though, and looked like it took the shape of a box. There was a coughing, spluttering, gurgling sound. It then yanked itself out of my hand and started flying around the room, screaming in a slightly high-pitched voice.

"I ask again, what the hell is that?" Jack asked, his eyes following the creature around the room.

"Salvester." I stated simply.

"What's a 'Salvester"?" he asked, watching the thing hit the ceiling, then the floor, then the ceiling again.

"You silly! That's his name!"

"I didn't ask who he was, luv, I asked what he was."

"Oh, well, you won't understand me if I tell you. So just treat him like a small, idiotic person." As a matter of fact, he was a robot that I had built. There was something about him that was just… off. Maybe there's a glitch in his program. I dunno, but he sure is an idiot. When he first talked, he sounded like Salvester from the Loony Toons. Hence his name. I got rid of the lisp eventually.

"Hoy! Let's not have too much blood on the walls just yet!" Jack yelled as Salvester started rubbing himself against the wall. Salvester then proceded to zoom across the room but I caught him before he could get past me.

"Will you relax? It's just blood!" I said. By now you could see his eyes which looked pretty human, thank you very much. He stared at me in surprise.

"Just blood? Just blood?! I have been in there for 24 hours and I can't swim and it stiiiiinks!" He said, somewhere between a whine and a plead.

"Well that sucks for you!" I said, cheerily, "Now go clean yourself off and don't bother me until this is over. On second thought, just don't bother me. Ever." Then I snapped my fingers and he was gone. I looked over at Jack.

"I know, I know, 'We never speak of this again.'" He said, and I smiled.

"Okay! I'll take care of the body." I said and snapped my fingers yet again. I gotta start doing something else for that. Pirelli was gone and so was his blood.

"Hee, hee. Sparkly clean." I said in a dumbass voice. Jack looked at me as if to say 'I can't believe you're the brains behind this.'

"You gonna help me with this?" he asked, indicating the chair.

"Of course! I'm the supervisor!"

"This is because I brought Mrs. Lovett into this, isn't it?"

"Yup!" And cue the chair-fixing montage!

We switch to Johanna, packing to leave. Sadly, the evil Judge Turpin, Lord of the funny-looking wig peoples, has caught her! And then there's some threatening stuff and the Beadle goes in to molest her and then Dumbass pops in and blah, blah, blah. C'mon! You people know this storyline! Why won't the author let me cut it out!!!!! (A.N. Because if you do you don't get your chair fixing montage) Damn it. Fine, fine. All hail the Lord of the Universe. Now it's chair time!

I watched as Jack made Mr. Mechanical Monster (yay alliteration!). This made him uncomfortable, which, of course, was my goal.

"Finished." He said after a couple of hours. I looked up from The Handbook for the Recently Deceased I had been making corrections to.

"Well, finally!" I said, tucking the book into my jacket. Yes, I usually wear 21st century clothes. More comfy, you know! I snapped my fingers as Jack was standing, causing a lightning bolt to strike behind him.

Meanwhile, everyone's favorite Dumbass was wandering through the Tim Burton-esque streets, looking for something. But what could he _possibly_ be looking for? Oh, I don't know, maybe…

"_I feel you, Johanna,"_

Bing, bing, bing! We have a winner!

"_I feel you._

_Do they think that walls can hide you?"_

Apparently.

"_Even now I'm at your window._

_I am in the dark beside you,_

_Buried sweetly in your yellow hair,"_

Yah, thanks for those images, Anthony.

"_Johanna…"_

That was _just_ beautiful. But, alas, Dumbasses, such as yourself, cannot keep the spotlight in as show, such as this. Only homicidal barbers can do that! And, as the old saying goes, speak of the devil and the devil shall arrive.

This aforementioned "devil" wasn't doing too well. Land wasn't treating him very nicely and he was short on rum. When this happens, Jack does some odd things. For him.

"_And are you beautiful and pale,_

_With yellow hair, like her? _

_I'd want you beautiful and pale,_

_The way I've dreamed you were_

_Johanna…"_

"_Johanna…" _

Freak-o wanderer. I just wanna scream in his ear where she is! Me and my stupid plans to stay hidden!

"_And if you're beautiful, what then,_

_With yellow hair, like wheat?_

_I think we shall not meet again,_

_My little dove, my sweet_

_Johanna…"_

"_I'll steal you,_

_Johanna…"_

Okay, we get it, you're looking for her. Big whoop.

"_Goodbye, Johanna._

_You're gone, and yet you're mine._

_I'm fine, Johanna,_

_I'm fine."_

I have no idea what compelled him to sing that. Maybe it _was_ the lack of sea and rum. Maybe he actually missed the poor girl he had started to become attached to. Well, whatever the reason, I didn't care at the moment because there was a song going on and I was not a part of it and I was tired of not being a part of things!!!

"_Johanna…"_

You sound so sweet when you sing her name it's making me sick. Ahem, back to me. I teleported myself across the street from the shop, all decked out in my Crazy Beggar Woman outfit. I got into my crazy/creepy attitude and started to sing.

"_Smoke! Smoke!_

_Sign of the devil! Sign of the devil!_

_City on fire!"_

I spotted Mrs. Lovett coming up from the bake house, and remembered that she looked like someone from another universe (AN: tell me who and I'll steal cookies from the dark side and give them to you).

"_Witch! Witch!"_

I sniffed the air. I smelled of strawberries. Yes, you heard me. Strawberries. Didn't know they had a smell, did you!

"_Smell it, sir! An evil smell!_

_Every night at the vespers bell—_

_Smoke that comes from the mouth of Hell—_

_City on fire!_

_City on fire!_

_Mischief ! Mischief !_

_Mischief…"_

Wahoo! Trio instead of a duet! Thank you, thank you! Back to the homicidal barber.

"_And if I never hear your voice,_

_My turtledove, my dear,_

_I still have reason to rejoice:_

_The way ahead is clear,_

_Johanna…"_

"_I feel you,_

_Johanna…"_

Good for you Dumbass.

"_And in that darkness when I'm blind_

_With what I can't forget_

_It's always morning in my mind,_

_My little lamb, my pet,_

_Johanna…_

_You stay, Johanna,_

_The way I've dreamed you are._

_Oh look, Johanna,_

_A star!_

_A shooting star!"_

Aw! He sounds so sad when he sings it! Makes me want to cry! But…….. I won't!

"_Buried sweetly in your yellow hair…"_

Enough with the images, Dumbass.

"_There! There!_

_Somebody, somebody look up there!_

_Didn't I tell you? Smell that air!_

_City on fire!"_

I spotted "Tobias" walking down the street. I decided it was time for Willy #3 to get a little freak-out, so I grabbed him up.

"_Quick, sir! Run and tell!_

_Warn 'em all of the witch's spell!_

_There it is, there it is, the unholy smell!_

_Tell it to the Beadle and the police as well!_

_Tell 'em! Tell 'em!_

_Help! Fiend!_

_City on fire!_

_City on fire!_

_Mischief ! Mischief !"_

Hee, hee, hee! I am so good at this!

"_And though I'll think of you, I guess,_

_Until the day I die,_

_I think I miss you less and less_

_As every day goes by,_

_Johanna…"_

The more I think about it, the more it sounds like Jack actually misses Johanna.

"_Johanna…"_

Oh, shut up Dumbass.

"_And you'd be beautiful and pale,_

_And look too much like her._

_If only angels could prevail,_

_We'd be the way we were,_

_Johanna…"_

Sometimes I wish that angels could prevail, too. And then I get out my foam finger and root for the Joker.

"_I feel you,_

_Johanna…"_

You're starting to creep me out, Dumbass.

"_Wake up, Johanna!_

_Another bright red day!_

_We learn, Johanna,_

_To say_

_Goodbye…"_

Now I am gonna cry! ……………………… Okay! I'm over it!

"_I'll steal you…"_

This song had better be over or I'm gonna pull a Beadle Bamford and kick that guy's ass!

…

Well I don't hear anything so I guess the coast is clear! For now! Knock on wood!

"That was the worst cameo I've ever gotten!" said Salvester and did the hovering robot version of stomping off.

So now, thanks to Salvester, you all have to wait for the next chapter while I go catch that creep and make him the main character inside of a crocodile!


	10. 9 Pies Taste Better With a Bit of Love

**AN: Hi! I'm soooooooo sorry this chappie was late. Pleeeeeaaase don't kill me! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1**

**Disclaimer: I'm not actually that pathetic and I don't own anything that's not mine. I assume you know what I don't own because you are smart readers. Yes, I am kissing up to you. **

**Pies Taste Better With a Little Bit of Love**

Hello little peoples! Guess what! I fed Salvester to not one… not two… but _three_ crocodiles!!! Aren't I the model parent! Ahem, anyways I did promise you peoples the rest of the story. Now where was I…

Ah yes! Jack was slightly depressed and killing people, I was a crazy bitch, and Dumbass was being a dumb ass. Oh! And he found Johanna.

I hadn't checked in with Jack yet, and was still wandering around the streets as Crazy Beggar Lady. I was having the time of my life! Or… or non-life… um… Oh who cares! I then noticed the sign that read: "MRS. LOVETT'S WORLD FAMOUS MEAT PIES GRAND RE-OPENING TONIGHT ON FLEET STREET _Come taste the best pies in London." _I chuckled, and walked over to the shop to make a scene. For only me and Jack knew what was really in those pies! No, it was not human bodies, but cow bodies in the shape of humans. Told you I was talented!

Liam, aka Toby, was standing outside of the pie shop's door, beckoning people in.

"_Ladies and gentlemen,  
__May I have your attention, perlease?  
__Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well  
|__At that delicate, luscious ambrosial smell?  
__Yes they are, I can tell.  
__Well, ladies and gentlemen,  
__That aroma enriching the breeze"_

I crept over to my usual spot: The shadows across the street from the pie shop. I watched as the boy continued his song.

"_Is like nothing compared to its succulent source,  
__As the gourmets among you will tell you, of course.  
__Ladies and gentlemen,  
__You can't imagine the rapture in store—  
__Just inside of this door!"_

He ushered one last couple in and then walked into the shop himself. He seemed quite happy and I almost felt bad that I was going to ruin it all. Almost. Not quite. Hey! This is me, Jack Sparrow's little sister, we're talking about here!

"_There you'll sample  
__Mrs. Lovett's meat pies,  
__Savory and sweet pies,  
__As you'll see.  
__You who eat pies,  
__Mrs. Lovett's meat pies  
__Conjure up the treat pies  
__Used to be!"_

He began to wipe one of the tables. His smile mingled with the others of all the satisfied customers. Then Mrs. Lovett entered in all of her pale-faced pie making glory. She called to Toby.

"_Toby!"_

"_Coming!"_

"_Ale there!"_

"_Right, mum!"_

"_Quick, now!"_

They seemed to work very well together.

"_Nice to see you, dearie,  
__How have you been keeping?"_

I had been watching from across the street the entire time. I decided it was time to go greet the neighbors!

"_Cor, me bones is weary!  
__Toby!  
__One for the gentleman…  
__Hear the birdies cheeping—  
__Helps to keep it cheery…  
__Toby!  
__Throw the old woman out!"_

Toby shooed me away with a rag. Oh, come on! I don't bite! Usually. And who are you calling old?

"_What's my secret?  
__Frankly, dear—forgive my candor—  
__Family secret,  
__All to do with herbs.  
__Things like being  
__Careful with your coriander,  
__That's what makes the gravy grander!"_

I figured that since I couldn't get through the back, I would try to go through the front. At that time, Jack came out of his shop and paced the balcony, looking over his victims. That, and he was probably secretly looking for Mrs. Lovett. My warnings did not stop him having a thing for her. Ugh! This was gonna be hard.

"_**Eat them slow and  
**__**Feel the crust, how thin she rolled it!  
**__**Eat them slow, 'cos  
**__**Every one's a prize!  
**__**Eat them slow, 'cos  
**__**That's the lot and now we've sold it.  
**__**Come again tomorrow—"**_

She flipped the "OPEN" sign to "SOLD OUT". Just as she was contemplating closing up for the night, some poor unfortunate soul went up to Sweeny's.

"_Hold it!  
__Bless my eyes—  
__Fresh supplies!"_

She looked up for a second and then went back to work. Jack welcomed the man in with fake warmth and a devilish smile.

"_How about it, dearie? __"Is that a pie  
__Be here in a twinkling! __Fit for a king,  
__Just confirms my theory. __A wondrous sweet  
__Toby—! __And most delectable  
__God watches over us." __Thing?"_

She looked up at Jack again and winked. He smiled and went to his work.

"_Didn't have an inkling… __"You see, ma'am, why  
__Positively eerie…" __There is no meat pie—"_

She finally spotted me bugging one of her customers.

"_Toby!  
__Throw the old woman out!"_

They both gave me dirty looks and Toby pushed me out and slammed the door in my face. And again with the old! I'm not that old… Okay. I'm old. But still! And we used to be such good friends! Hmp!

I grinned evilly, laughed maniacally for a few minutes, and then popped over to the barber shop. Jack was standing there with blood on his hands. He was just finishing off another victim and sending him down to the bake house.

"I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!" I announced. Jack looked up.

"What is up with you leaving all the time?" he asked.

"Now I want you to think about that for a moment. Do you really want me sitting here hovering over you and smiling while you kill people?" I pointed out.

"Umm… Well, I guess that'd be kind of creepy." He admitted. I smiled, and sat down in the now empty chair.

"So when is this going to be over?" he asked.

"Why? Aren't you having fun?"

"Well, yes, but there's a bit of a complication."

"You mean the Lovett woman? Oh, come on! What interest could you possibly have in her!"

"Well she's smart, funny, beautiful…. and… um…"

"You've fallen in love!" Jack smiled sheepishly at me.

"In all of my years (and that's a lot) I never thought that I'd see Captain Jack Sparrow fall in love!!!" I said.

"Well neither did I. But I guess that anything is possible, huh?" he replied.

"Each to his own I guess." I said, looking at the door. Then I heard someone coming. Actually, it was two people.

"Hey, Lovett and the Turner are coming, so wipe that gooey-gooey grin off of your face!" I said, and made myself invisible.

"Guess what, luv!" She said she said when she walked in the door, sporting a huge smile.

"What?" he asked sullenly.

"We're going on a picnic!" She said. Jack stayed silent, mostly trying to stop his own character from coming through and saying 'That's great!'.

"I just figured that since we were all working so hard, I'd be nice to have a day off. You know, get some sun." She explained.

"We all know you could use it." Turner said under his breath.

"Alright." He said silently. Mrs. Lovett smiled, and walked over to him.

"Well that's just lovely!" she said, and gave him a little kiss on the cheek. Jack stayed stiff, but that was the only thing he could do to stifle the huge grin he had on in his head.

**Soooooooooooooo... What do you think?! Good? Bad? Yes? No? Cookie-Cake? Reveiw and tell me what you think! (My personal choice is the Cookie-Cake! Yah!)**


	11. 10 Thoroughly Annoying Sister

**AN: Time for a game of spot the reference/quote! If you find them put them in your review and where they are from. My magical genie will then grant you one wish!**

**Disclaimer: I don't actually have a magical genie. That was a lie and I am ashamed. (hangs head in shame) I don't own Sweeny Todd or Pirates or anything else recognizable that happens to pop up in here. But if I pulled a Gilderoy Lockhart…**

**Thoroughly Annoying Sister**

Mrs. Lovett felt that she had made a breakthrough. She had finally gotten Mr. T. to get out of that dark, dank shop of his to get some fresh air. But, more importantly, she had gotten him to get out of that dark, dank shop of his to get some fresh air _with her_! So, yes, Mrs. Lovett was very proud of herself.

I, on the other hand, wasn't sure what to think. I knew how happy she made Jack, even though he never showed it. But then there was our joke to think about. I mean, sometimes I just wanted to kill her dead! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (AN: please hold while I stop her from blowing something up)

ELEVATOR MUSIC

Well, Miss Supreme Ruler of the Universe, you have some good points. (AN: Of course I do. Now fix the fourth wall and get on with the story.) Yes sir! Now where was I? Oh yes! The picnic.

Well, they set up under the shade of a tree and Toby ran off to play. It was the perfect little scene except for one minor detail: they didn't invite me!

I had appeared up in the barbershop and expected to be welcomed warmly by my favorite and only brother, but he was gone. Sure, I had known about the picnic. I just thought that I'd have some warning before he left. I was really ticked off by this and when I get ticked off, people don't have good days. I decided to make a little surprise visit to the happy scene. Muhahahahahahahahaha…

I reappeared in the tree that they were sitting under. Mrs. Lovett was yakking away about… well… I don't know… I really didn't care all that much. Jack was sitting there, staring out into space. Unbeknownst to Mrs. Lovett but knownst to me, Jack was hanging on her every word. It made me gag. I smiled wickedly and jumped out of the tree. Right in front of Jack.

"Hello Jacky-Boy!" I could feel Jack tense a little. "Prepare for the most annoying day of your life!" I said, and made a drum appear.

"Mr. T? You listening to me?" Jack realized that Mrs. Lovett was still sitting next to him.

"Of course." He said immediately. For a few seconds he hadn't been listening to her. He'd been too busy glaring at me. She didn't buy it.

"Then what did I just say?" she asked. Jack said the first thing that popped into his head.

"There must be a way to the Judge."

"Judge. Always harping on the bloody old Judge."

"Smooth, Romeo." I said, as Mrs. Lovett went into a full whispered rant. Then she made her move.

"_Ooh, Mr. Todd—"_

She kissed him on the cheek, and I banged on the drum.

"_I'm so happy"_

Kiss. BANG!

"_I could—"_

Kiss. BANG!

"_Eat you up, I really could!  
__You know what I'd like to  
__Do, Mr. Todd?"_

Kiss. BANG!

"_What I dream—"_

Kiss. BANG!

"_If the business stays as good,  
__Where I'd really like to go—  
__In a year or so…"_

"Time to break out the one-man-band equipment!"

"_Don't you want to know?"_

"Of course." And he really did.

"_Do you really want to know?"_

"Yes, I do." But he wasn't going to get the chance to hear it. I started playing one of my favorite march songs as loudly as I could. DA DA DA! DA DA DA! DA DA DA!

"_By the sea, Mr. Todd,  
__That's the life I covet."_

DA DA DA! DA DA DA! DA DA DA! DA!

"_By the sea, Mr. Todd,  
__Ooh, I know you'd love it!"_

DA! DA DA DA! DA! DA DA DA!

"_You and me, Mr. T.,  
__We could be alone"_

DA DA DA! DA DA DA! DA DA DA!

"_In a house wot we'd almost own,  
__Down by the sea."_

"_Anything you say."_

Jack sang over my loud noises. I would have to be worse.

"_Wouldn't that be smashing?"_

I smashed the symbols together, lost the one-man-band stuff, and started to march around the blanket.

"_Think how snug it'll be  
__Underneath our flannel"_

"Mickey Mouse Club! Mickey Mouse Club!" I started to sing. I couldn't quite see Jack twitching yet.

"_When it's just you and me  
__And the English Channel."_

"Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! You're as welcome as can be!" I sang a little louder.

"_In our cozy retreat,  
__Kept all neat and tidy,"_

"M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!"

"_We'll have chums over every Friday  
__By the sea…"_

"Mickey Mouse!" I sang, and then Donald popped out of the tree and said; "Donald Duck!"

"Mickey Mouse!" I sang again.

"Donald Du…" but he was cut short by my frying pan connecting with his head. Hard.

"_Don't you love the weather  
__By the sea?" _

I then threw Donald Duck as far as I could. "Man! I'm bad!" I said proudly.

"_We'll grow old together  
__By the seaside,"_

And then Michael Jackson popped out of nowhere and started to sing and dance. "You know I'm bad! I'm bad!"

"_Hoo! Hoo!  
__By the beautiful sea!"_

"Oh my God! Michael Jackson Zombie! Ahhhhhhhhh!" I screamed and began to beat him with my frying pan.

"_It'll be so quiet  
__That who'll come by it"_

"Whoops. False alarm, people! That's just a past version of him." I glanced at his bloodied and pounded up face. "Looks like he's gonna need plastic surgery!" Cue the I-made-a-funny drum sound.

"_Except a seagull?  
__Hoo! Hoo!"_

I then began to sing, or rather yell to a tune. "Always look on the bright side of death!"

"_We shouldn't try it,  
__Though, till it's legal  
__For two-hoo!"_

"Just before you draw your terminal breath!" and I fake died.

"_But a seaside wedding"_

I heard the word "wedding" and I suddenly became very interested.

"_Could be devised,  
__Me rumpled bedding"_

I waggled my eyebrows at Jack, who made a low growling sound.

"_Legitimized.  
__Me eyelids'll flutter,  
__I'll turn into butter,  
__The moment I mutter,  
_'_I do-hoo!'"_

I smiled evilly, and then began to whisper-sing into Jack's ear: "Love and marriage, love and marriage,"

"_Down by the sea,  
__Married nice and proper,"_

"Go together like a horse and carriage,"

"_By the sea—  
__Bring along your chopper"_

"This I tell you brother,"

"_To the seaside,"_

"You can't have one,"

"_Hoo! Hoo!"_

"You can't have none,"

"_By the beautiful sea!"_

"You can't have one without the other."

The last insult hit its mark as Mrs. Lovett finished her song. I smirked, chuckled, and then disappeared with a…

Now what was it? Not a POOF! … a WAZING! …? No. Not a BZZZZZZZ! … No, no, no. It was more like the sound the willows make when the wind blows through them. Did you see that? That was poetry. What now, huh!? What now!!!!!!!!! What are you gonna do abou…………

(AN: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

PLEASE STAND BY FOR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

WE SHOULD BE UP AND RUNNING BY THE NEXT CHAPTER

IN THE MEANTIME, PLEASE ENJOY THE STATICY SOUNDS YOUR TV SOMETIMES MAKES MIXED WITH SHAKESPHERE'S ROMEO AND JULIET!

PSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRomeo! Romeo! Where for art thou, Romeo? PSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFor sooth! What soft light through yonder window breaks? It is the east! And Juliet is the sun!PSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHuhhh. Yeah, that's about all I know. Good knight/day everyone!PSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHCOOKIE-CAKE!)


	12. 11 Nuking the Fourth Wall

**AN: Hello peoples! We are back and up and running! Elm had a bit of a meltdown in the last chappie. Don't worry though, I've calmed her down so that she won't jump through your computer screen and kill you. She's been known to do that. So read at your own risk. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I was dead serious about that bit up there. And I don't own anything. At all. Sob. Oh! And I have absolutely nothing against Bea Arthur. I just thought this'd be funny. You'll know what I'm talking about later. **

**Nuking the Fourth Wall**

Well, the Supreme Ruler of the Universe told me to tone it down a bit and threatened that if I don't she'll send me to therapy for anger management. I don't have anger management issues! I'M A PERFECTLY CALM PERSON!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! Ahem… But what she says goes, so I must obey. At least, until I find a way to completely obliterate the fourth wall.

Anywhos, I was still in "annoy Jack in order to exact my revenge" mode. On the way back to the shop I babbled on about a number of pointless subjects and occasionally threw in a few made-up words for good measure.

When we got back, Mrs. Lovett went right back to cooking pies and Jack and I went up to his shop. Once we were up there and the door was closed, he turned and opened his mouth to yell at me. Sadly, he didn't get the chance, because at that moment my cell phone rang. Yes I have a cell phone! Didn't I tell you that one of my favorite centuries was the 21st? And, being me, I had the most annoying ring tone. Now, Jack wouldn't fully understand what this was for a few centuries, but I had it anyway.

I could tell that he was only mildly surprised. He was used to strange things happening around me.

"Hold that very loud thought of yours." I said, holding up one finger. I looked at the caller ID, and smiled. It was one of my best friends! I picked it up.

"Hey! I haven't heard from you in forever! Well, besides texting, of course. Yeah, I know I'm funny." I walked over and sat on the barber chair and talked. And talked and talked and talked. Jack walked over to the wall, and began to bash his head against it.

Yes, it was one of those days. All day. At about midnight, Jack tried to take the phone away from me. I saw this coming and held it out of his reach.

"Don't make me strike you with lightning again!" I said. He nervously touched the white streak in his hair, and then went downstairs to get a drink. I laughed.

"Sorry. Yeah, that was him. Yeah, he just left. Thanks for helping me annoy him. You're the best! Oh, you're so sweet!" and blah, blah, blah. For hours and hours and hours.

We stopped talking by the next day, since I had other things to do. When Jack woke up he found me talking into the mirror (not the broken one). He looked over my shoulder and saw some of my more sinister friends. You already know about them. They were the group that bet against Jack being able to sing. Well, there was one more. Black and red spandex, arsenal of weapons strapped to him, breaker of the fourth wall. I'm not going to tell you who, I'm going to make you guess.

We were sharing stories about the evil deeds we had been doing over the past week and laughing at the poor, unfortunate souls who had the misfortune or were stupid enough to get in the way. Jack joined in by retelling the story of his murder of Pirelli.

"Your first time in cold blood. Congratulations!" said the Joker, laughing. Most of them were, some of them were giving him a thumbs-up. The Headless Horseman even managed to laugh his head off. Literally!

"Lovett alert! Everybody shush!" I said when I heard her coming up the stairs. Jack went over to the window and pretended to brood.

"Brought you some breakfast, dear." she said, walking in with a tray. She never saw us. I'm way too awesome for some mere mortal to be able to do that! But even if I hadn't turned us invisible, she probably wouldn't see us. She was far too busy with Jack to ever notice us. Ah, love! So beautiful! So wonderful! So… just so… awwwww! Gooey attitude, over. Sorry.

"Mr. T? Can I ask you something?" Mrs. Lovett asked him. We all leaned forward, the guys out of the mirror.

"What?" he answered, still not looking at her.

"What did your Lucy look like?"

"Oh, like that's such a hard question to answer." I said. The guys laughed. Jadk stayed silent because we were being annoying. Mrs. Lovett again got the wrong idea from Jack's actions.

"Can't really remember, can you?" she asked.

"She had yellow hair." Jack said. It was all he could think of to say. He knew Lovett was making a move on him. Our friend in the red and black spandex, however, took my hair in his hands, scrutinized it, and then took a deep whiff.

"I'd say it was more golden blond." he said, messing with me.

"Get off, you perv." I said.

"You want to see how much of a perv I can be?" he said, putting his arm around my shoulder and wiggling his eyebrows under the mask. I shot him through the head. The guys looked down at him.

"You really shouldn't screw with this one, man." said Beetlejuice.

"Yeah, she can be even more sadistic than me sometimes." said the Joker. They all looked back to Jack and Mrs. Lovett's conversation.

"You've got to put this all behind you now. She's gone." Mrs. Lovett said.

"No, I'm not!" I said happily. The guys laughed again.

"Life is for the alive, my dear. We could have a life, us two. Maybe not like I dreamed, maybe not like you remember. But we could get by." she said. Jack turned around.

"Popcorn?" I asked, watching intently. They all took some, watching just as intently as me. Well, except for the perv. He was still on the ground.

"Mr. Todd! Mrs. Lovett, ma'am!" called Dumbass as he ran through the door. Everybody groaned.

"Oh, come on, Dumbass!" I yelled, throwing down the popcorn. "Sorry guys." They all mumbled in disappointment, leaned back into the mirror, and vanished.

"What is it, Anthony?" asked Jack. He was also extremely annoyed, but he didn't show it.

"He has her locked in a madhouse." stated Dumbass.

"Johanna?" Jack asked, suddenly interested. He must've had some kind of bond with the girl.

"Fogg's Asylum. I've circled the place a dozen times. There's no way in. It's a fortress!" said Dumbass. Jack walked over, there was a plan formulating in his head. I could see it.

"I've got him." said Jack. I smiled. He was taking a genuine interest in this joke. Or maybe it was something else.

"Mr. Todd?" asked Dumbass, being a dumb ass.

"We've got her." Jack corrected himself. "Where do you suppose all the wigmakers in London go to obtain their hair?" Dumbass looked at him like he was insane. Which he was, but, you know. "Bedlam. They get it from the lunatics at Bedlam."

"I don't understand." said Dumbass dumbassly.

_Must I explain everything to this boy? _Jack thought, and then said, "We shall set you up as a wigmaker's apprentice. That will gain you access, and then you take her!" Dumbass smiled, understanding. Finally. Jack ushered him out. He turned to Mrs. Lovett.

"Fetch the boy." he ordered.

"Don't you think you should leave the boy alone?" she said in a worried tone. Jack glared back at her, and she left to get Toby aka Liam. He didn't like to scare her away like that, but, as he told me soon after she left as I was looking at him smugly: "It's only to get the joke moving along."

"What? Why? Aren't you having fun?" I asked.

"Look, I know this is great for you, but I would enjoy it a whole lot more if I could tell Nellie everything." he said.

"You're not gonna…" I started, but Jack cut me off.

"Yes. I'm going to tell her everything once this is over."

"Slow down! You've been blinded by love! You can't do that!"

"You know what's funny? You and your buddies seemed real anxious for us to get on with our relationship back there, but now you're scolding me for having it!"

"I did that because the readers think it's funny!"

"I don't care if the… wait, what?"

"You know, the readers of this fan fiction." said the guy I shot. "You got lucky! Hey, do you think I could co-narrate?" Look! Chimichanga! "Where!?" I pushed him into the mirror. "Curse the author and her Johnny Depp obsession!" (A/N: Shut up! It's perfectly normal!) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. "Yeah, seriously. I mean, he's a good actor and all, but writing a crossover fan fiction about him?" (A/N: Hey! I'm the author! I could castrate you!) "I'm out!" Wimp. "Bitch." Bea Arthur lover. "Don't you dare say a single word against that wonderful woman!" (A/N: Shut up both of you or I'll sell you to Disney!) ………… "Yeah, too late for that, chicka." (A/N: Fine. I was going to let you roam free in DC, but if you're gonna be like that…) "I won't be like that! I'm sorry!" Leave. You'll have a better chance. "Right!" He vanished.

"Okay, let me explain." I said to Jack.

"You know what, I don't even want to know." he said taking a step back.

"Okay. Whatevs." I said. I stood up. He sidestepped me, sat down, gave me one more odd look, and began to write a letter to Turpin.

**A/N: Well that was fun. Although I hate it when my characters just won't listen and I have to threaten them. *sigh* Guess what I'm going to ask you to do! I want you to figure out who the dude is who is breaking the fourth wall! **

**MysteryGuest: Bet you can't do it!**

**Get out of the A/N! You don't belong here!**

**MysteryGuest: Looks like this A/N ain't big enough for the two of us!**

***Western stand-off music plays* I'll be back. Little tied up. *starts shooting***


	13. 12 Simple Answers

**A/N: It's a William Turner III/Liam/Toby chappie! Hoozah! It's all Liam being a sweetheart. So, as a forewarning, this will be more sweetness than comedy, so, yeahhhhhhhhh… For good measure, I'll make a funny disclaimer. **

**Disclaimer: I own it! I own it all! Hahahahahaha! *is carted away in straitjacket* **

**ManInWhiteCoat: She's delusional! She owns nothing!**

**Simple Answers**

Toby/Liam was confused. He couldn't help but think that the way Jack—because he was sure it was Jack—had treated him was odd. He contemplated this as he walked to the Old Bailey:

He had been washing the tables when Mrs. Lovett came down from the shop.

"Toby, Mr. Todd wants you." she called to him.

"Yes, ma'am." he said, and made his way upstairs. Finally! Jack was going to explain this whole mess to him! Took him long enough!

When he got up there he announced his presence. Jack—because he knew it was Jack—looked up from the letter he had been writing.

"Do you know where the Old Bailey is?" he asked.

"Yes sir," said Liam, and he continued to make a conversation, "not that I've ever been there…" But Jack—because he knew it was Jack—cut him off.

"Take this there. Seek out a Judge Turpin. Repeat that."

"Go to Old Bailey. Find Judge Turpin." he repeated, confused. Jack—because he was almost positive it was Jack—would usually chat with him for a while.

"And put that into his hands." he continued, "Only to him. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir." said Liam, then he tried to start up another chat, "And while I'm out, d'you mind if I stop by the grocer…"

"No." said Jack—because he thought it was Jack—standing up. "You are not to stop. You are not to speak. You are to deliver the letter. Is that understood?"

Liam's threat-warning was going off. Sure, he was immortal, but that didn't stop instinct.

"Yes, sir." He said, and got out of there as fast as he could.

Now he was walking to the Old Bailey, contemplating all this. Yes, it was definitely odd the way Jack—because he hoped it was Jack—had treated him.

Hang on a second! Back up! How had he gone from being positive it was Jack to merely hoping? The answer to that was quite simple: maybe he was wrong. Maybe he had been mistake in his assumption.

Why didn't he ever listen to all those people who had told him to never trust anybody? Another simple answer: he was a child. No matter how old he got, no matter how much he knew, he would always be a child.

He arrived at the Hall of Stupid Looking Powdered Wigs… I mean the Old Bailey. No… no I mean the Hall of Stupid Looking Powdered Wigs.

He walked up the steps and through the door. He was greeted by a very pompous and very rude man.

The man glanced at Liam once and said "What the devil could you possible want, boy?"

Liam clenched his teeth. He hated being talked down to. He stood as tall as he could and mustered up his manliest voice.

"I'm looking for Judge Turpin." He said, "I have a letter for him."

The man rolled his eyes.

"Judge Turpin is a very busy man." he said, "He has no time for the likes of you and your petty letter. But, if you so wish it to reach him, leave it in my care." He held out his hand.

"My instructions were to give it only to him, sir." said Liam, holding the letter behind his back.

"Stubborn child." the man commented scornfully, "Sit over there and wait if you are so eager." He pointed to a chair in the corner.

Liam sighed. It was going to be one of those days. He sat in the chair and waited. While he waited, he thought.

He thought about the man in the barbershop. If he wasn't Jack, then who was he? Why, Mr. Sweeney Todd, of course! But who was Mr. Sweeney Todd? Why was he so dark? Why was he so cold?

If the man had been Jack, Liam would know why. The whole thing would've been a joke to Jack. The darkness, the coldness, he would've been laughing his ass of when no one was listening.

What set Sweeney Todd apart from Jack Sparrow? It was that moment in the shop. When Liam looked into his eyes at that moment, he saw genuine anger and impatience that Jack had never had.

He thought about Mrs. Lovett. Why was she so attracted to Mr. Todd? She was as sweet as sugar and as warm as a fireplace on Christmas and her customers always came out satisfied. Mr. Todd, on the other hand, was as stiff as a dead man and as cold as his precious razors and his customers… did they even come out?

Now that was something to think about. He had noticed it before and had never bothered to care about it. Then again, that was when he knew that Mr. Todd was Jack. Now he wasn't so sure. Now he cared. Why didn't they come down? Where did they go?

He thought back to his description of Mr. Todd; as stiff as a dead man and as cold as his precious razors. Wait… dead man… razors…

"Oh my God." he said silently.

"Something troubling you, lad?" said a man coldly.

"No, sir." Liam lied, looking up at the man.

"You were looking for me?"

"Judge Turpin?"

"None other."

"This is for you. It's from Mr. Todd." He held out the letter. Turpin looked at it in disgust.

"And what would make you think that I would want to correspond with that man?"

"Please, sir, he said it was important."

"Fine." He took the letter. His eyes widened upon reading it. He smiled.

"You have done an excellent job, son." said Turpin, grabbing his shoulder.

"Thank you?" Turpin turned the boy around, and led him out the door. When they got to the bottom of the front steps, he gently pushed Liam in the direction of the shop, and hurried home himself.

Liam looked back with a raised eyebrow, confused by the Judge. He started back to the shop, thinking some more.

When his thoughts turned to Mr. Todd, he sped up. His sense of urgency heightened as he remembered the connection he'd made about him. He was worried about Mrs. Lovett. She was such a sweet lady, like the aunt he never had. Why, if she hadn't stepped in, he would probably be in a workhouse just about now. Curse his youth!

When he got the pie shop he found Mrs. Lovett lying on her chair in the parlor, snoring. He smiled and let out his breath. She woke up.

"Where've you been, lad?" she asked, seeing him in the doorway, "We had quite the rush at dinnertime. Me poor bones is ready to drop." Liam stepped into the room.

"Mr. Todd sent me on an errand." he said, getting a small case of the chills from the name. "And while I was out, I stopped by the workhouse, just to take I look. I was just thinking, but for you, I'd be there now." Mrs. Lovett smiled. "Or someplace worse." he added. "Seems like the Good Lord sent you for me."

"Now, luv, I feel quite the same way." she said, smiling. She settled back into her chair, but Liam needed her to listen to him now.

"Listen to me, please. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Say, if there was someone around—someone bad—only you didn't know it—"he said. She sat up.

"What is this? What are you talking about?" she asked, holding his hand as he knelt next to her. He began to sing.

"_Nothing's gonna harm you,  
__Not while I'm around.  
__Nothing's gonna harm you,  
__No, sir,  
__Not while I'm around."_

He meant it. He meant it all. You see, Liam had left his own mother. He'd left her to find his way alone.

"What do you mean someone bad?" Mrs. Lovett asked.

"_Demons are prowling  
__Everywhere  
__Nowadays.  
__I'll send 'em howling,  
__I don't care.  
__I got ways."_

After that, things didn't go exactly as planned. He looked too young. He wasn't going to be able to make it in the world as a child. He wished he had just listened when they all said "NO!"

"_No one's gonna hurt you,  
__No one's gonna dare.  
__Others can desert you—  
__Not to worry—  
__Whistle, I'll be there."_

Eventually, he was taken in by a family. He loved that family as his own. After a while, he had to leave. Immortality was a well kept secret, told only to certain people and with permission from a higher power. It was sad, but he had to. So it continued. One family to the next. Loving each the way he had loved the first.

"_Demons'll charm you  
__With a smile  
__For a while,  
__But in time  
__Nothing can harm you,  
__Not while I'm around."_

Mrs. Lovett smiled again.

"That's nice, dear." she said. She got up. "Now what is all this? What are you talking about?"

"Little things that I've been thinking—about Mr. Todd." he said. She froze. He took that as fear of Todd. He tried to reassure her.

"_Not to worry, not to worry,  
__I may not be smart, but I ain't dumb.  
__I can do it,  
__Put me to it,  
__Show me something I can overcome.  
__Not to worry, mum."_

That was what Mrs. Lovett was to him now. She was his family. He loved her like a mother, just as he had all the others. One big extended family.

"_Being close and being clever  
__Ain't like being true.  
__I don't need to, I won't never  
__Hide a thing from you,  
__Like some."_

"Now Toby, dear, haven't we had enough foolish chatter?" she said. Oh, God, she didn't believe him. "Here, how about I give you a shiny new penny and you can go and get us some toffees?" she said, pulling out a purse. A purse he recognized immediately.

"That's Signor Pirelli's purse!" he said, shocked.

"No, it's not." she said, "Just something Mr. T. give me for my birthday."

"That proves it." he said, and it did. The last place he had seen the bastard had been Mr. Todd's parlor. He had never come out. He grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the doorway. "We gotta go, ma'am—we gotta find the Beadle and get the law here—"

"Shhh, Toby. Hush, now, you're not going anywhere." she said, pulling him back towards the couch, calming him. "You just sit here nice and quiet, next to me. That's right." She held him and stroked his head, singing.

"_Nothing's gonna harm you,  
__Not while I'm around!  
__Nothing's gonna harm you, darling,  
__Not while I'm around."_

She shouldn't be worried about him. He was immortal! He should be worried about her! He needed her to understand that he was telling the truth.

"_Demons'll charm you  
__With a smile  
__For a while,  
__But in time,  
__Nothing's gonna harm you,  
__Not while I'm around."_

"Funny we should be having this little chat right now." she said, "'cause I was just thinkin'; you know how you've always fancied coming down into the bake house with me to help make the pies?"

Liam almost sighed. If she wasn't going to take him seriously then he'd just have to deal with Todd himself. He was going to march right up there and… was she crying? Well, perhaps he should save that for a later date.

"Yes, ma'am." he said, hoping he could calm her.

"Well, no time like the present, eh?"

They got up and Mrs. Lovett led him to the bake house doors. Liam had grown up with his mother and had always helped her with cooking. The chore had grown on him, and now whenever he did anything food-making related, he was reminded of her.

Mrs. Lovett opened the door and they started down.

"I feel bad for you, having to go up and down all these stairs." he said with true sympathy. She smiled a little.

"Well, that'll be your job now." she said.

"Yes, ma'am." he replied, smiling as well. As soon as she opened the next door, he was hit with a stench. Such a foul stench that he bet it could rival the kraken's. He'd have to ask Jack when… oh, yeah.

"Quite a stink, ain't there?" he asked, hoping he wasn't the only one smelling it.

"See those grates?" He looked to where she was pointing. "They go straight to the sewers. Always a few rats gone home to Jesus down there." Ah. That made sense. She opened the oven.

"This is the oven. Ten dozen at a time. Always make sure the door's closed properly. Like this." She demonstrated. He followed, repeating the last line. She led him over to the grinder.

"This is the grinder. Pop in the meat. Give it a good grind. Comes out there. You try." He did. She patted him on the back and turned to leave.

"I've got to pop upstairs. Be back in two shakes." She was almost through the door.

"Do you mind if I have a pie while I wait?" he asked. He thought that they were delicious. She turned.

"As many as you like, son." she said in what was almost sadness in her voice. Liam smiled. She closed the door and locked it behind her. Crying on her way upstairs.

I, by the way, was not there for any of this. I just know all that went on because I'm cool like that. Never mind that it's a major motion picture and a play. I'm just cool like that.

I was doing something much more funer (I told you, proper English is my mortal enemy)! Bugging Turpin! Yaayyy!

I stalked him while he rushed home. 'Cause I'm a stalker. Small children beware. Hehehe. I forgot what my point was.

Oh, yeah! So I stalked him home and just before he got in the house I ran up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, and this is what I told him:

"U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! You ugly! What! What! You ugly!" And then I ran away laughing. Evilly. Because laughing evilly is more fun than just laughing. Muahahahahahahahaha! Laugh with me readers/reviewers! Laugh! Muhahahahahahahahaha!

**A/N: Laugh with her my loyal readers! Laugh! And review! Do it! Muhahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh! And tell me who the guy in the previous chappie was because no one has gotten it right despite some valiant efforts by AliceAddams13 and stlova. Where was I? Muhahahahahahahahahaha! **


	14. 13 That's What She Said

**A/N: Well, this is it. This is where we finish up the movie. It's odd that it landed on chappie 13, which is an unlucky number, considering all the unlucky things that happen to people in this chappie. Although you could argue that the last chappie was chappie 13, but that would be counting the prologue which I really don't count and before I drone on and on and on until I start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards, I shall give you my wondrous story/disclaimer! **

**Disclaimer: I have been crawling through this desert on my stomach and gasping for water. Do you think that this is the kind of person who could own Sweeney Todd and Pirates or anything else just to make sure I don't get sued? Do you?! Please tell me because I want to own them real bad! **

**That's What She Said**

I ran down the street laughing manically at the top of my lungs with a couple of buddies of mine: AliceAddams13 and Midna Hytwilian. Then (surprise, surprise) I noticed something. We were right in front of Fogg's Asylum. I turned to my friends.

"All righty, you guys, time to amscre." I said. They saluted and jumped into the portal that led to the wonderful world of Fanfiction .net.

I looked back at the asylum. I knew that Dumbass was up there (I can listen when I want to) and I wanted to see what he was doing. I quickly changed myself into Spy-Fly and buzzed "Secret Agent Man" to myself.

I found him walking down the hall with the man who ran the place.

"Yes, sir, I agree that it would be in our mutual interest to come to some arrangement in regard to my poor children's hair." said Mr. Fogg. Children my ass, you bastard! Ahem…

He walked along the hall, pointing at the cells, each of which contained women with a single hair color. He stopped at the blond cell and turned to Dumbass.

"It was yellow hair you was looking for, sir?" he asked.

"Yes." Dumbass replied with a creepy look on his face. Jeez! Why'd he have to be such a creepy child? How he and Johanna have a connection, I'll never know. What? You thought I chose him? No way, Jose and other people whose names I do not know! Love is something I have no jurisdiction on. You see, if you look hard enough you can see those who are bound together by it, even if they don't know it yet. Well, at least I can.

Dumbass and Big Daddy-O walked into the cell. The girls immediately ran as far up against the walls as they could. Koo-Koo Keeper apparently enjoyed their terror, as he added in a few extra "Boo!"s. Dumbass immediately spotted Johanna. He was on a roll today!

"That one there has the shade I need." he said, indicating her. Go! Go! Dumbass!

Freako Creepo went over to her. She was in a straitjacket and looked miserable. My poor baby! That's why we have Dumass to save the day! DADADADAAAAA!!! Slimeball Scuzbag took out the scissors.

"Now, where shall I cut?" he asked, but Dumbass was one step ahead. He pulled a gun!

"Not another word, Mr. Fogg, or it will be your last." he said, snatching up Johanna. Dumbass! Dumbass! He's our man! If he can't do it… a lot of other people can but this is his limelight moment so YAAAAAAAAYY! Dumbass and Johanna started to back out of the cell.

"Now, I leave you to the mercy of your children." said Dumbass. They left and Evil Weirdo was attacked by the girls.

Wait a second, that's it? They leave and Signoro Darko gets eaten by howling maniacs? Wasn't this supposed to be more dramatic?! You know, with Dumbass going all "Oh, I can't do this!" and dropping the gun and Johanna picking it up and shooting Captain Crazy House? What is this shit!?! *looks at script*

(A/N: That's the play script, genius, this is the movie.) Ohhhhhh! That makes sense then! For a second there, I was all like "What's with the anti-climactic Dumbass and Johanna scenes?" and now I'm like soooo totally relieved and like

**(A/N: MEANWHILE ON FLEET STREET WHILE ELM IS HAVING HER DUMB BLOND MOMENT…)** I find that offensive! (A/N: Just shut up.)

Jack and Lovett where coming down the stairs.

"I got him locked in. But if he escapes he'll go to the law." she said, talking about Liam.

"Then he won't escape." said Jack.

"Wait, I thought that you where the one who taught him how to escape from sticky situations like this…" I said, popping up at the bottom of the staircase.

_Just shut up. _He thought.

"NEVER! FREEDOM OF SPEECH! POWER TO THE PEOPLE!" I screamed, pointing to the sky with a silly face.

"I don't know, Mr. Todd." started Mrs. Lovett, turning to him. He cut her off by reminding her about the Judge.

"Don't tell me she's growing a conscience, too! The next thing you know the Beadle will…" Enter the Beadle. Mrs. Lovett gasped, I stopped my sentence. "I must use this power for good!" I said, to which Jack thought, _We all know that you won't, though. _

"What on Earth are you talking about?" I said, trying to look as innocent as possible. I added a halo for good measure.

"'Scuse me, sir." said Mrs. Lovett, "Gave me a fright."

"Not my intention, good madam. I assure you." the Beadle replied. I laughed in disbelief.

"Though I am here on official business. You see, there's been some complaints about the stink from your chimney. They say at night it is something most foul." He said, and took something out of his pocket. "Heath regulations and the general public welfare naturally being my duty;" He put whatever it was up to his nose. "I'm afraid" He snorted it. "I'm gonna have to take a look" He snorted again. Then he sneezed and smiled creepily. "at your bake house."

"Okay, I don't know exactly what that was, but it was nasty!" I said. Jack agreed, but he snapped himself out of it and went into con mode.

"Of course, but first why don't you come upstairs? Let me pamper you." he said.

"That's what she said!" I exclaimed. I couldn't help myself. It was just too easy! Jack didn't get it. Stupid people from another time not getting my 21st century jokes!

"Much as I do appreciate tonsorial doormen I really ought to see to my official obligations first." the Beadle said. He turned toward the bake house. Jack and Lovett both moved to block him. I decided to help out.

"He's full of himself. Just lay on the compliments and shit like that very thickly and he won't be able to resist!" I said. Jack smiled.

"I completely understand." he said, then he sniffed. "If you'll indulge me, sir, what is that exotic aroma?"

"Me secret, is a touch of ambergris." said the Beadle, flattered. Jack went in for the kill.

"Dare I offer you something a tad more appropriate for a gentleman of your standing?" He seemed a little reluctant, so Jack broke out his secret weapon. "The ladies will greatly appreciate it, sir." The Beadle's eyes widened like those of a hormonal teenage boy who had just seen boobies.

"You're the expert in these matters." He said. Jack led him upstairs, assuring him that it would only take a moment.

_You'll see the bake house soon enough. _He thought. I laughed.

"Would you like a bit of bay rum, sir?" Jack asked him.

"Bay rum is very bracing." The Beadle replied, snapping his retractable cane shut. That's what she said.

I was about to go in and witness the murder, when I remembered that I had other things to do. Man! I really wanted to see him die a horribly painful death. Ah, well. I'll just buy the DVD in the 21st century and watch his brains splat over and over again. That's what she said. What? You guys and gals know I have a sadistic and dirty mind.

I teleported to my little corner across the street and got all crazied up. I looked at the shop. Everything was falling into place.

**MEANWHILE, IN STANKY TOWN…**

Liam took a pie off the shelf and crunched into it. There was something in it that didn't taste right. He spit out what looked like either a toe or Meghan Fox's thumb. He looked at it in disgust. He turned his head and saw a few half covered up skeletons. He then walked over to the grinder. He needed to see what the heck was in there.

When he saw, he was horrified. Cut up human body parts. He had been eating people! He had thought it was delicious! He was very ashamed of himself.

As a final blow, down came the Beadle. His throat was cut and his brains splattered all over the floor. It was a wonderful I MEAN terrifying sight. Liam might have been around for 100 years, but he had never seen anything like that, and, frankly, it scared the shit out of him.

He ran to the door and began to bang on it, yelling for someone to let him out. He soon stopped banging and took a few deep breaths. That what she said. He had to think this through.

Mrs. Lovett was in on this, there was no question. Weather she was forced into it or not was another matter, but at the time it didn't matter. She was going to bring Todd down to kill him. No matter how much she hated it he knew she would. He had told her his suspicions and now he was a witness that needed killing.

He had to get out. Sure, he couldn't die, but he couldn't let anyone discover his little secret. He thought to himself, _Think like Jack_. He remembered the sewers.

He ran over to the grate, pulled it up, and jumped in. He held his breath and began to wind his way along the underground streets.

**AND BACK UP WE GO…**

Jack had just finished off the Beadle and had gone down stairs to search halfheartedly for Liam.

I was leaning against a wall on the other side of the street. I kept looking at the non-existent watch on my wrist, getting increasingly impatient.

"What are you loookin' at!?" I constantly shouted at the odd passer-by. The plot was getting thick and I had to stand here, waiting. Whose bright idea was this?! Oh, wait. It was mine. Um. Then Johanna and Dumbass went up to the barber shop!

They looked around the shop for Sweeney. They didn't see him, so Dumbass left Johanna there to get a carriage. Dumbass you dumb ass! Don't you know there's a pirate-turned-homicidal-barber that's not thinking straight there? God!

From my little corner, I saw Dumbass leave.

"Check mate!" I said to the random dude I was playing chess with.

"Again!" he shouted angrily. I smiled mockingly.

"I'll get you next time!" he said playfully.

"Sure you will." I said sarcastically.

"Same time tomorrow?" He asked.

"As every day." I replied, smiling.

I walked up the stairs to the barber shop, singing the creepiest, insanest (take that proper english!) voice.

"_Beadle!…Beadle!…  
__No good hiding, I saw you!  
__Are you in there still?  
__Beadle!…Beadle!…  
__Beadle, dear, Beadle…"_

I opened the door. Johanna had hidden in Pirelli's trunk. I know, it's nasty. Where else is she gonna hide, though? Eh, it's still wrong. Ewwwwwwwwwwww…

I began to sing again, waiting for Jack.

"_Beadle deedle deedle deedle deedle dumpling,  
__Beadle, dumpling, Be-deedle…"_

Jack came in all threatening-like.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" Wow. He really didn't know. Man! I'm good!

"Evil is here, sir. The stink of evil, from below, from her! Oh, she's the devil's wife. Beware her, sir. She with no pity in her heart." So, it was a little dramatic. I had to sow the seeds of doubt about him having a relationship with her somehow. She was sticking her nose where it didn't belong like she was Yoko. Only _I _am allowed to do that! But I'm ranting. Back to the story!

"_Hey, don't I know you, mister?"_

I sang with my eyes practically popping out of their sockets. A voice called to him from downstairs. It was the Judge. Jack looked back and then made his usual split-second decision. He slit my throat.

Was I surprised? No. I planned it this way. I mean it's not like I can die you silly humans. Jackie, however, wasn't exactly thinking straight.

He pressed on the pedal that opened the trap door, and down I went. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Ouch! Ew! Landed on the Beadle!

So, since I'm a little dead right now, I'm gonna give Jack a chance to talk.

*********

Didn't know who she was. Didn't care who she was. All that I cared about was getting this thing finished and getting back to my ship, my rum, and hopefully bringing Nellie along.

"Where is she?" I turned around. The Judge was at the door. I thought fast.

"Below, Your Honor. With my neighbor."

**DOWN**

"That's what she said! What are you doing down here with us dead peoples? The action's up there!"

**UP**

I ushered him into the room.

"Thank heavens the sailor did not molest her. Thank heavens, too, she has seen the error of her ways."

"She has?" No.

"Oh, yes. Your lesson was well-learned. She speaks only of you. Longing for forgiveness."

"Then she shall have it. She'll be here soon, you say?" You are not getting within a thousand yards of my daughter. Whoa. Did I just say my daughter? I've got to get out of here.

"Yes."

"Excellent, my friend." We're not friends.

"How about a shave?" And you're dead. "Sit, sir. Sit." He sat, happy and excited. Well then, let's remedy that.

Where's Elm? She's gotta see this!

**DOWN**

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" I pointed up.

**UP**

I'll stall.

"_Ohhhhhh,  
__Pretty women!"_

The Judge sang, I joined in.

"_Pretty women, yes.__"_

"_Johanna, Johanna…"_

"_Pretty women…  
__Pretty women  
__Are a wonder…  
__Pretty women!__"_

She should be here by now.

"_What we do for  
__Pretty women! "__Pretty women!  
__Blowing out their candles __Blowing out their candles  
__Or combing out their hair…" __Or combing out their hair…__"_

Whatever she's doing it'd better be good!

"_Then they leave…  
__Even when they leave you" "__Even when they leave,__"_

Maybe she just left.

_"And vanish, they somehow "__They still  
__Can still remain" __Are there,__"_

Nah, she's probably just sitting invisible somewhere, watching me freak out.

_"There with you, there…" "__They're there…__"_

I couldn't wait any longer. Elm or no Elm the Judge was dying tonight.

"How seldom it is one meets a fellow spirit." Said the Judge.

"With fellow tastes in women, at least." Oh, bugger, that image of me and Elm is going to haunt me in my nightmares.

"What's that?" asked the Judge. People can be real morons sometimes. That's actually pretty lucky for me because if these morons weren't, in fact, morons, life would be much harder, savvy?

"The years, no doubt, have changed me, sir. But then, I suppose the face of a barber, the face of a prisoner, a dog, is not particularly memorable." I raised my razor high for dramatic effect. Wait for it…

"Benjamin Barker." Now!

"Benjamin Barker!" I shouted. I was feeling particularly dramatic tonight. I plunged the razor into his neck. He was going to die slowly. I stabbed his neck a few more times and then slit this throat. I sent him down to the bake house.

"_Rest now, my friend,  
__Rest now forever.  
__Sleep now the untroubled  
__Sleep of the angels…"_

Yes, very dramatic tonight.

I heard a small creak. It had come from Pirelli's trunk. Was that her hiding spot? That's just wrong.

I walked over the trunk. I didn't want her to jump out at me so I didn't look at first. I opened the lid. It wasn't her. It was someone else. No one's coming to get me, my ass! Well, looks like I'd have to finish off one more before this thing was over.

"Come for a shave, have you, lad?" He began to protest. But I didn't really care. I pulled him out of the trunk.

"Everyone needs a good shave." I said, dragging him to the chair.

**DOWN**

"Dammit." I whispered to myself. Jack was going to kill off Johanna. I couldn't let that happen. I may be an awful person, but I love that girl like she was my own!

I subtly grabbed Turpin's ankle and gave him the old Frankenstein treatment. He dragged himself over to Mrs. Lovett and grabbed her dress. She screamed.

**UP (FEEL LIKE A BOUNCY BALL YET?)**

I heard Nellie scream. I had to get to her. Ever since I fell in love with her I gained this whole "Knight in Shining Armor" sense.

"Forget my face." I told the kid and left.

When I got down there, she was dragging a body to the oven.

"Why did you scream?" I asked.

"He was clutching onto me dress, but he's finished now."

"I'll take care of it." I said, indicating the corpse.

"Open the door." She seemed reluctant. She didn't realize that the sooner we got rid of the bodies, the sooner we could be together. I had to do a little pushing.

"Open the door, I said." She did so. I was just about to pick up the body, when I realized something. It… it was Elm. I'd… I'd killed my sister!

" 'Don't I know you?' she said." This was ridiculous! If she had just told me this wouldn't have happened.

"You knew she lived." Why? Why does she keep things like this secret?

"I was only thinking of you." Nellie had known?

"You lied to me." She immediately began to protest. I had far too much on my mind to have ears for that. I mean, it's not like I blamed her.

"_No, no, not lied at all.  
__No, I never lied."_

"_Lucy…"_

There was a line and I had crossed it.

"_Said she took the poison—she did—  
__Never said that she died.  
__Poor thing,  
__She lived…"_

"_I've come home again…"_

How could I have not recognized her?

"_But it left her weak in the head,  
__All she did for months was just lie there in bed—"_

"_Lucy…"_

She really was gone…

"_Should've been in hospital,  
__Wound up in Bedlam instead,  
__Poor thing!"_

"_Oh, my God…"_

"_Better you should think she was dead.  
__Yes, I lied 'cos I love you!"_

"_Lucy…"_

"_I'd be twice the wife she was!  
__I love you!  
__Could that thing have cared for you  
__Like me?"_

"_What have I done?!…"_

She had been so innocent. She didn't really understand the whole killing thing. She just thought of it as a game. She didn't know… Wait. Did she just say "I love you"?

Maybe it was time to end this before the rest of us were dead.

*********

Well, I'm sure you had fun with that, but Jack doesn't know the whole story. He thinks I'm dead but I'm talking to you about all this right now. He thinks I'm totally innocent when I know exactly what I'm doing. Bit contradictory, huh?

"_Mrs. Lovett,  
__You're a bloody wonder,  
__Eminently practical and yet  
__Appropriate as always.  
__As you've said repeatedly,  
__There's little point in dwelling on the past."_

Wait, where's he going?

"_Do you mean it?__ "Now, come here, my love…"  
__Everything I did I swear  
__I thought  
__Was only for the best,__" "Not a thing to fear,"_

Hello! I need mourning over here!

"_Believe me!__ "My love…  
__Can we still be__ What's dead  
__Married?__" Is dead."_

He wasn't gonna finish this, was he? Oh, hell no!

"_The history of the world, my pet—"_

"_Oh, Mr. Todd,  
__Ooh, Mr. Todd,  
__Leave it to me…__"_

Looked like I'd have to help him along. Never get a man to do a psychopathic woman's job.

"_Is learn forgiveness and try to forget."_

"_By the sea, Mr. Todd,  
__We'll be comfy-cozy,  
__By the sea, Mr. Todd,  
__Where there's no one nosy…__"_

I separated myself from my body and walked over, invisible, to the oven.

"_And life is for the alive, my dear,  
__So let's keep living it—!"_

"_**Just keep living it,  
**__**Really living it—!**__"_

As they danced right in front of the oven, I grabbed the back of her dress and pulled her into the flames.

Jack had no idea what was going on. When I started to close the door he snatched it and tried to pull it back open. Of course, me being what I am, I was far stronger.

He looked through the small slit in the door, but he soon closed that. He couldn't bear to watch her burn.

"Oops." I said to myself, smiling evilly. I walked back into my body.

He walked away from the oven, towards me. He dropped his razor and got down on his knees. He was a real wreck. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Not quite. He held me in his arms and began to sing.

"_There was a barber and his wife,  
__And she was beautiful.  
__A foolish barber and his wife,  
__She was his reason and his life.  
__And she was beautiful.  
__And she was virtuous.  
__And he was—"_

Liam came up behind him. Jack didn't even attempt to stop him from slitting his throat, and he didn't get up after. He'd learned his lesson. Good boy.

**A/N: Okay, by now you all probably hate Elm thoroughly. Do not despair! For a small review, you may hit her with a blunt instrument! **

**Mysteryguest: Hooray for blunt instruments!**

**I forgot you where here.**

**Mysteryguest: That happens to me a lot. :(**

**You should all be ashamed of yourselves! You haven't guessed who his is yet (with the exeptions of the valient efforts from stlova and AliceAddams13). Now you've gone and made him sad. I'll give you a few hints: his name starts with D, he's from Marvel comic books, he's been criminally underused, and he's in the new Wolverine movie but his character was completely butchered and that's why we shot the morons who wrote that. Whoever guesses right gets to chase Elm through the streets of London with a blunt instrument in a later chappie. How great is that!?! **


	15. 14 Dellorkcir

**A/N: Told ya it wasn't over! Get ready for more thrills and death and blood and death and love and death and songs and death and funny stuff and death!**

**Disclaimer: (insert disclaiming hilarity here because I'm lazy) **

**A/N2: I like death.**

**Dellorkcir**

Jack and I were on the floor of the bake house. If we both weren't as awesome as we are then we'd both be dead. It was time to wake Jack up to reality.

"Jack! Jack!" I shouted suddenly.

"What? What?" he yelled back, startled by my spontanuity. Heh. Spontanuity. Heh. Fun word. Anyway!

I grabbed his shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes.

"We're no strangers to love, Jack!" I said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, looking at me funnily.

"You know the rules, Jack!" I said, shaking him.

"What rules? What are you talking about?!"

"And so do I." I stood up and walked towards the door.

"What is going on with you?" Jack asked, thoroughly confused.

Deadpool (thank you sooooo very much Sa Satin Amoureux for guessing right) opened the door and squished me behind it. Randomly.

"Full commitment's what I'm thinking of." He said, pointing at Jack. "And, Jack, you wouldn't get this from any other guy."

"Uhuh. Right. You two are really starting to freak me out." Jack said.

"But, Jack," I said, coming out from behind the door, "I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling."

"How about some other time." He said, standing up and backing away. Me and Deadpool (die, proper english, die!) then teleported behind him.

"We've gotta make you understand!" we yelled from behind him, making him jump forward.

He turned around and we jumped back, music started to play, and, out of the random fog and disco lights, appeared Rick Astley, and we all began to sing and dance.

"_Never gonna give you up!_

_Never gonna let you down!_

_Never gonna run around and desert you!" _

As Rick continued to sing, me and Deadpool turned to the readers.

"Ha ha! You all just got Rick Rolled!" I said.

"Yeah! What now, bitches!" said, Deadpool, making a very rude hand gesture.

"For God's sake! Just tell them that I flipped them the bird!" I hit him in the face with a frying pan. Jack laughed. I grabbed his hand, and we danced to Rick Astely's "Never Gonna Give You Up."

Once Deadpool woke up, he joined us, along with a whole bunch of fictional characters from multiple universes and all the reviewers of this fanfiction. You know who you are!

And so, on an end note:

"_Never gonna make you cry!_

_Never gonna say goodbye!_

_Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!" _

**A/N: I've been wanting to do that! Don't worry, the real chappie is on its way and it's on its way quickly. Do not lose all hope! In the mean time, if you would like to join this party of awesome and others like it, then you must review. Do it! Please! I'm begging! Pathetically! **


	16. 15 Chess Games and a Flying Circus

**A/N: Hello peoples! Okay, this time the chappie is real. I swear! I was just feeling ridiculous last time. Well, of course I am, but that's beside the point. Besides, that was an awesome party! Well, we're getting close to the end, but it's not over yet! Muhahahahahahahahahaenjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Llamas are bigger than frogs. **

**Chess Games and a Flying Circus**

I waved my hind in front of Jack's face.

"Hello? Anybody home?" He blinked. "It's alive!" I shouted. Jack pulled me into a tight hug.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again!" he said. I patted him on the back.

"Oh, Jack, I told you that you don't have to worry about me." I said.

"Now," I said, gently pushing him off, "go get cleaned up. You're a bloody mess. Literally." I got up. He didn't move.

"Come one, Jackie-boy." I said.

"I can't believe she's gone." He said, staring at the floor. Oh, come on! He didn't even know her that long. What is it with this author and all the pointless drama! (A/N: What did we talk about?) No breaking the fourth wall. But… (A/N: But nothing! Now tell the story, damnit!)

"You'll get over it." I said, tugging at his arm. "Come on, you've got a ship to get back to." He perked up all of a sudden.

"Knew that would cheer you up." I said.

"No, it's not that." He said.

"Wha?"

"You brought all those other people back, right?" I didn't like where this was going.

"How is this at all pertinent to the subject we are speaking of?" I was covering.

"If you could bring all of them back, then you could bring Nellie back, too!"

"Why would I do that when I went to all this trouble to kill her." Oops.

"What?" he asked with fire in his voice.

"Well… I… Uh…" I stammered. He grabbed the front of my dress.

"What did you say?" he said. He sounded furious.

"It's not what you think!" I said, throwing my hands up. He pinned me against the wall.

"You killed her!" Okay, maybe it was what he thought. I tried to think of an excuse, my eyes darting back and forth. I suddenly began to laugh.

"You know, in 20 years, we'll be laughing about this." I said. He tightened his grip.

"50?" He pushed me harder against the wall.

"100?" He was just getting more furiouser (proper English can't stand my constant assaults!) by the second. His eyes spelled "kill" in big, shiny, block letters. I swallowed. It was probably a good time to get the hell out of there. I looked at the non-existent watch on my wrist.

"Well, would you look at that! I'm late for a chess game!" I said, and I disappeared in a sparkling, swirling mist of green, blue, and purple.

I reappeared on the other side of the street in the corner I usually used.

"You're early." said a voice behind me. I turned around. It was Reginald, the random dude I was playing chess with before. He was sitting behind the chess board. All of the pieces were set up.

"Do you just sit here all night?" I asked.

"It's not like I have anything better to do." He said, smiling hugely. "Well?" He asked. I looked at the board, smiled, and sat down to play.

After a while, he realized that something was wrong, and asked me about it. I felt like I could trust him, so I told.

"My stupid brother can't follow rules and can't take a joke."

"Maybe you should go over there and show him who's boss." He said, putting my king in check with his queen.

"Yeah, he needs a good telling-off." I said.

"Or, maybe, you've gotten a little power-hungry." He said as I knocked out his queen with my king.

"What do you mean?" I spat at him.

"I'm merely assuming that you're not seeing this from both sides." He said.

"What has that got to do with anything?" I asked.

"Well, if you don't see it from both sides, one day you are going to get had." He said.

"Yeah, right!" I said, to which he pointed at the board. My king was completely surrounded. I looked back up at him. He was smiling.

"Check mate, babe." He said. He got up and started to walk away, leaving me to ponder his wisdom. He turned around.

"By the way, when I join the Dark Side, I'm gonna want those cookies." He said, and laughed. I was confused for a moment, but then I looked down. Turned out, I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt that said "Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies." Not exactly the garb of the century. I looked up and laughed nervously. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow, and smiled devilishly.

"Don't you give me that. Normality is for people with no imaginations, like doors." He said. I smiled and he walked away. He sure was an odd one, and I liked it.

I stood up and walked across the street to the pie shop. I was about to knock on the door when I heard voices inside. I turned myself invisible and looked into the window. Guess what I saw.

No, no. Guess.

Alright, I'll tell you. It was Lovett. She was alive and looked as good as ever. I began to stammer.

"How… but I… and then…but she…WHAT!" I looked in through the window again. Lovett looked worried, scared even. Maybe she was confused or whatever Jack was saying was too much to take in.

Yes, Jack was there. He had changed out of his bloody attire and was now holding her hands in his, talking to her. She began to speak to him.

"I can't hear a darned thing through this window." I said. I conjured up a volume dial out of midair, stuck it on the window, and turned it up.

Jack put his fingers on Lovett's lips to silence her and began to sing.

_(All I Ask of You lyrics +  
__Some random cute stuff/dancing  
Yeah, I know I'm lazy)_

They kissed.

I had stood through that entire thing with my face pressed against the glass and my jaw to the ground.

"What are we going to do now?" Lovett asked happily.

"We leave." Jack said to her, "Before my psychopath of a sister gets here." He took her hands and began to lead her out.

"But where are we going to go, luv?" she asked.

"I have as ship, remember?" he said, smiling. Her face brightened.

"_By the sea, Mr. Todd  
__That's the life I'd covet.  
__By the sea, Mr. Todd  
__Oh, I knew you'd love it."_

They laughed lightly and she allowed him to lead her out. I turned towards the door, my jaw still slack. They came out.

"What do you think's gonna happen to her? Your sister, I mean." Lovett asked.

"I couldn't care less." growled Jack. He turned to Lovett and held both her hands in his, "Nellie, she tried to kill you. And she doesn't give up easily."

"Damn right I don't." I muttered to myself, folding my arms.

"Nellie, I love you and I can't bear to lose you again."

"Well then, screw her." She said.

"Ooooooooooooooooo!" I said, squinting and pointing at her. They walked away.

Once they were out of sight and earshot, I reappeared.

"This is an outrage," I shouted, "and I, for one, will not stand for it!" I sat down.

"What am I doing just sitting here?" I said after a few seconds, "I need to figure out what the hell happened." I got up and went down to the bake house.

Once I was down there, I put my hand on the wall and closed my eyes. When I opened them, the scene directly after my departure was spread before me.

Jack punched the wall angrily before sighing and hanging his head. Then I heard it. It was almost inaudible but apparently Jack had heard it, as well. His head perked up and he looked to the direction it was coming from: the oven.

He practically teleported over and opened the door. Inside was what was left of Nellie Lovett; burnt and bloody and almost gone.

Almost.

Not quite.

There was still a little bit of life left in her. Jack looked at her and seemed to remember something. He patted himself down until he found a small bottle in his pocket. I remembered that bottle. When he had found the Fountain he had taken the same small bottle and filled it with water from the place.

"Just in case." He'd said.

He popped it open and poured it down her throat. He wounds immediately began to heal and she opened her eyes.

"That's cheating!" I shouted. She saw him and backed away a little. He bagan to soothe her.

"It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to explain what really happened. If you need a minute, I'll be in the pie shop." He patted her hand and turned to leave. It wasn't long before she followed him up. Everything faded out.

I couldn't believe this! This was supposed to be my joke and what did they do? Ruined it with their lovey-dovey crap! I was so outraged I began to angrily sing the Andrew Lloyd Webber equivalent of "oh no you didn't!"

"_I gave you my music  
__Made the fun take wing  
__And now how you've repaid me  
__Denied my and betrayed me!"_

I thought of them going all gooey-gooey, ga-ga on me. I realized that there was one important detail I'd ignored for the longest time.

"_They were bound together  
__From the beginning."_

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they deserved to be happy. I could hear them singing in my head. They sounded so in love and…

Wait just a throat-slitting minute! They screwed me over and I was giving up? Just like that? I don't think so!

"_You will curse the day you did not do  
__All that I asked of you!"_

I laughed manically. After a few minutes of doing so, John Cleese stepped in from of me.

"And now for something completely different: a man with a tape recorder up his nose." He said.

SCENE CHANGE

A man stood in the middle of a room. He held up his pointer finger and showed the readers. He stuck that finger up his nose and the French national anthem began to play. When he took his finger out of his nose, it stopped. He put his finger in his other nostril, and a rewinding sound was heard. He stuck his finger in the nostril he'd had it in first and the French national anthem played again from the beginning. He bowed.

ANOTHER SCENE CHANGE

I was still laughing, but half-heartedly. My eyes were darting all over the place, looking for something. I motioned to John Cleese, who was now sitting behind a random desk and even I couldn't tell you where it came from. He shuffled his papers.

"And now for something completely different: a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose." He said.

SCENE CHANGE TRES

This time, two men stood in the room. The man from the first time held his finger up to the readers again and stuck it in the nose of the man standing next to him. The French national anthem began to play and when he took it out, it stopped. He put his finger up the man's other nostril and a rewinding sound was heard. He took his finger out of his brother's nose.

YET ANOTHER SCENE CHANGE

I stood in the middle of the bake house with my arms folded.

"Ha." I said. I looked over to John Cleese.

"Whoa!" I shouted in shock. He was lying on the top of the desk in a bikini.

"And now for something completely different: in stereo." He said.

THE CHANGING OF THE SCENE

The man and his brother stood in the room. The man showed both his fingers to the readers and stuck one up his nose and the other up his brother's. They played the French national anthem at the same time. The man took his finger out of their noses and they bowed.

SCENE OF THE CRIME! *IS WHACKED* I MEAN CHANGE!

John Cleese was back to sitting behind his desk in normal clothes. The phone rang and he picked it up.

"Okay." He said, hanging up the phone, "This just in: there is no chandelier."

"What do you mean 'there is no chandelier'?"

"We're in a bake house, aren't we?"

"What's your point?"

"Well, it's rather silly, isn't it? Having a chandelier in a bake house."

"Well so are migrating coconuts."

"No, the swallows migrate and take the coconuts with them."

"A swallow couldn't carry a coconut."

"It could grip it by the husk."

"It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut."

"Look, if two swallows carried it together…" He didn't get a chance to finish because, at that moment, Graham Chapman walked in wearing a military uniform.

"Knock that off! Knock it off!" he said, "It's silly!"

I tried to say something, but John Cleese talked beat me to it.

"Well, this is a very silly script." He said, talking it out and showing Graham Chapman.

"Look at this: 'And then a 12 ton weight fell on Elmarine'."

"Say what!" I said, and then a 12 ton weight fell on me.

John Cleese turned to the readers.

"And now the credits."

MONTY  
PYTHON'S  
FLYING  
CIRCUS

was  
conceived, written and  
spam performed by

SPAM TERRY JONES

MICHAEL SPAM PALIN

JOHN SPAM JOHN SPAM  
JOHN SPAM CLEESE

GRAHAM SPAM SPAM  
SPAM CHAPMAN

ERIC SPAM EGG AND  
CHIPS IDLE

TERRY SPAM SAUSAGE  
SPAM EGG SPAM  
GILLIAM

Also appearing on the toast

THE  
FRED TOMLINSON SPAM  
EGG CHIPS  
AND SINGERS

ELMARINE SPAM SAUSAGE  
EGG AND SPAM  
SPARROW

JACK (OMLETE ON HAT)  
SPAM SPARROW

NELLIE NELLIE  
SAUSAGE AND HAM  
LOVETT AND SPAM

REGINALD SPAM SPAM  
SPAMITY SPAM

Research

PATRICIA HOULIHAN  
AND SAUSAGE

Make up

PENNY PENNY PENNY  
AND SPAM NORTON

Costumes

EGG BAKED BEANS  
SAUSAGE AND TOMATO  
OH  
AND HAZEL PETHIG TOO

Animations by

TERRY (EGG ON FACE)  
GILLIAM

Film Cameraman

JAMES (SPAM SAUSAGE  
EGG AND TOMATO)  
BALFOUR  
(NOT SUNDAYS)

Film Editor

RAY (FRIED SLICE AND  
GOLDEN THREE  
DELICIOUS) MILLICHOPE  
(SPAM EXTRA)

Sound

CHIPS SAUSAGE  
LIVERWURST,  
PHEASANT, SPAM,  
NEWSAGENTS, CHIPS,  
AND PETER ROSE

ANDREW LLOYD  
SPAM AND CHIPS  
WEBBER AND TOMATO

Lighting

OTIS (SPAM'S OFF  
DEAR) EDDY

Designer

ROBERT ROBERT  
ROBER ROBERT BERK  
AND TOMATO

Produced by

IAN (MIXED GRILL)  
MACNAUGHTON

Point of View and Craziness Director

ELMARINE SPAM SAUSAGE  
EGG AND SPAM  
SPARROW

Author (not spam owner spam)

BOW TO ME SPAM FOOLS  
BOW I SAUSAGE AND SPAM  
SAY BAKED BEANS!

Movies

PIRATES OF THE EGG CARRIBEAN

SWEENEY SPAM PIE TODD  
(AND SPAM)

On

FANFICTION. (SPAMINESS) NET

BBC SPAM TV

**A/N: I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry that it has been so long. I had another plot bunny and it was biting so bad it hurt and please don't kill me! You can throw things, but just don't kill me! If you kill me, you'll never know the end. Again, I'm soooooooooooo sorry!**


End file.
